Tuesday, June 22, 2010

When the Darkness Tries to Consume You

What do you do when that happens? By darkness I mean the fear, in it's all consuming devouring ways. It swallows up and blocks out all the light and good. The fear has pushed me so far into it's depths I don't see a way out. I try to, but I can't see it.

I'm so afraid to leave him, but I'm afraid to stay too. He's civil now for the most part, and he's never gotten physical outside of slamming doors and banging things or breaking dishes. I have no where to go, and no money to do so. I have no friends or family I can turn to. If I left now, and tried to go to a shelter, I wouldn't get anything I leave behind back. I'm not willing to risk losing what's mine. I've done that once, lost everything...I can't go through that again.

I just sometimes wonder how long he can stay non-violent. We've been separated (sleeping in separate rooms) for about 3 years now. I just don't know how long he's going to stay that way. Often times I wonder if I make it all up in my head. I've been in a physically abusive relationship, you can see it, you can feel it. But when it's psychological/emotional's a whole different ballgame.

Besides my girls, I have one good thing in my life right now. And yesterday I almost blew it. I've been shutting my good thing out and pushing him away, I almost lost him. He lives so far away, and the distance is taking its toll on me. Between the distance and having to live with Mr Dastardly upstairs, it's getting to be too much and it's so hard. But to lose my good thing would have been the worse thing possible, worse than if I lost everything I own.

But none of that answers the question of how do I get through the darkness and the fear? How do I not let it consume me?


Nicole MacDonald said...

if you focus on the darkness how will you ever find the light? As a holistic healer you alone should now the power of positive thought. If this is the same man that you have in your personal description area as your soulmate and love of your life he cannot be wholly bad.

Don't make the hole darker and ditch the shovel - cause all you're doing currently is digging a deeper hole.

Find the ladder - it IS in there.

Blessed Be

Nellie said...

I feel so terrible hearing your pain and not being able to help.

I'm not sure what the full story is here as I've not been reading your other blogs so I'm probably not qualified to comment. However, one of the biggest questions is how do you feel about this man?
3 years is a long time and I'd be tempted to say if things were going to mend you would have evidence of that by now. 3 years is a long time to waste on misery.
I understand you not wanting to lose what you've gained, but things are just things. Your happiness and mental health are much more important than mere things. Starting again doesn't have to be bad - when you've made a concious decision and you keep the right frame of mind then starting again can be a wonderful, liberating experience.Honestly! ;)
I know that leaving an unhappy relationship can be so difficult regardless of how unhappy it makes you. It takes some guts to do.
Like I said, how do you feel about this man? Do you really love him? Is together still better? Maybe you should go live near to your good thing? Is this a friend/son/brother?? (sorry being horribly nosey)Find someone who will help support you and help you get everything you need together and have a break from the situation so you can breathe again? Staying so unhappy and afraid for financial reasons makes no sense, things will work out even if you can't see it right now. Take good care of yourself,
Nellie x

mxtodis123 said...

Where do you live? I am far away, but perhaps in some way, even if it is just to listen, I can help. I know what you are feeling right now; I've felt the same way myself. I'm thinking it is time to tell my story on my woman's blog and how I became a survivor. Please contact me. I am here for you.