Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Missing Home

I've been feeling home sick lately, sorta... I don't know. I miss Brooklyn! I miss Greenpoint, where I grew up...a lot. Maybe it's because I just turned 40. Maybe it's because my Grandma's birthday just passed, she would have been 89. Maybe it was a few blogs I came across that talked about my old neighborhood, which got me to thinking about the vast array of foods I could pick from in a just a few blocks. Pizza, Pierogi, Kielbasa, Chinese food, Cheesecake! I miss babka from White Eagle Bakery, I miss Kielbasa from B & B on the Northside, I miss cheesecake from Fortunato's Bakery. I miss going to the candy store and ordering an egg cream and not getting weird looks for it.

I left NY when I was 20. I thought I was moving to greener pastures, but Florida sucked. Seven years and I hated everyone of them. Then we moved up to Georgia, and I don't like it here much better. I'm not a Southern girl. I'm not a country girl, I thought I could be... But I can't. I'm a city girl through and through. Maybe if there were more options for transportation where I'm at other than having to drive a car. (Okay, yes...I'm 40 years old and I don't drive! By choice tyvm!!) Like for instance, Long can take the L.I.R.R. and go into the city or Queens. I'm a Yankee, it's in my blood. And I dislike living in the south!

But, no matter still, even NY sometimes didn't feel like home. It's like I feel a calling sometimes from across the sea. The U.K., Ireland...they call to me. Glastonbury, Cornwall, Oxford, Stonehenge...I feel such a longing. The odd thing is though, I cannot find a logical reason why. To my knowledge and genealogical research I cannot find any Celtic or British in my family tree. NONE! Polish...check! Ukrainian...check! Austrian...possible check! I think once in my bunny trails of tracing my family histories I found a possibility of Bohemian! But nothing that would explain why I feel so drawn across the pond.

Along with my longing for the U.K., I feel a pull to things of Avalon, to Druids, to study the Craft and all things Magick. Another thing I cannot explain. I was raised Roman Catholic, as was everyone in my family before me. Baptized, Confirmed the whole nine yards. Yet, I felt like I didn't belong. After I got married, I got "saved". And was taught that all things pagan, wiccan, witchy, magick, etc were evil and of the devil. But I didn't feel that way. I tried to bury my desires, my longings, but to no avail. And again I felt like I didn't belong, that it wasn't the path for me. Once again, the "pagan path" if you will for lack of a better term since I still have yet to find my place still calls to me ever stronger than before. And it's all a part of missing home, even though I do not know where home is.

This ended up longer than I intended. And seems to somewhat gone astray. But the thing I guess I'm trying to say is that I miss home...where ever that maybe.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Update of sorts

I know I don't post here often, my apologies. I tend to do most of my postings on my main blog. But for those of you that follow here, I just wanted it known I'm still around and haven't forgotten this blog.

A week ago I had my 40th birthday, and I'm still in denial that I'm 40. Some days the mere mention of the number makes me feel damn old. I know, I know 40 isn't old. But the number, coupled with days where I feel like my life is a total failure, that I've accomplished nothing and continue to go nowhere, just makes me feel old. Or maybe it's just a feeling of defeat?

So there was that, then the weather was very rainy for Halloween. So we got all of about 2 or 3 trick-or-treaters and that was it.

November 1st would have been my grandma's 89th birthday. She passed away almost 3 years ago, on Thanksgiving Day 2006 to be exact. I miss her terribly. She was my rock, my go to person, she practically raised me from when I was 3 weeks old. She loved me unconditionally and was always there for me. It feels like an empty whole has been left in my life. I know she's in a better place, one without pain and sickness. After 15 years in remission and a mastectomy, the breast cancer returned with a vengeance and wracked her body with pain and spread so fast that by the time it was discovered that it had returned, she was given at best 3 months. I got a week, half of which she was just a shell of the person she once was and so weak and in such pain. I felt helpless.

And now I'm going through a really difficult time in my life, and some days I feel so alone.

Also, November is NaNoWriMo. Once again I am attempting to write 50,000 words in 30 days. I'm only at 577 of what I'm calling pure crap. I don't know what to do. My muse is silent, I can't see my story or hear my characters. I just don't know what to do.

That's about it for now. Until next time...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Wishcast Wednesday...Luxury

This week Jamie asks us "What luxury do you wish for?" I wasn't going to answer this one this week. Why? Well to put it simply, I don't like to wish for things for myself. But, I got to thinking and if there was only one luxury I could have it would be an old cottage by the sea (maybe even in the UK somewhere, like Glastonbury or Cornwall). Heck it could even be a "Hobbit Hole" by the sea. In it I wish I could have all my favorite books, my nick-nacks, my computer, my pens and journals, my kitties, and my 2 girls, and my beloved. Maybe it isn't a total luxury, but it's probably the one thing I would ever really ask for that I would want for me.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Just Amazing!

Whitney's making a come back, and this song off her new album is just amazing. I can so relate to this song.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sometimes I Walk Alone

I have the Greenday song "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" stuck in my head lately. It kind feels like my "theme" song at the moment. Yes, I have people in my life that love me and support kids, my prince charming. But this feeling is on a different level, one that I can't explain.

I feel so lost in this world. Sometimes I don't know who I am, or who I am supposed to be. Living with a person for 20 years that constantly tells you that you aren't good at don't cook right, you don't clean right, you don't clean the way I like it, you don't fold the clothes right, you shouldn't write that kind of book you should do this kind, why do you have to wear that (jeans and a fashion tee...nothing fancy or flashy), the list of things goes on. Next is...we can't make ends meet because it's your fault, you're lazy, you can't get a job because you don't have a degree, you need to go get such n such degree and do such n such job, this list goes on and on and on, too.

Before that, I was in a couple of other abusive relationships, one was physical the other was emotional/mental I guess you could say. Somedays I just feel so defeated, like I'm at the bottom of a well with no way out.

I do have a terrific guy in my life now. But it's so hard to accept the things he tells me. After years and years of being told the opposite, it's hard to believe the things he says is true. He's throwing me a rope, to help pull me out of the well but I can't seem to reach it yet. It's still out of reach.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Under Construction

So, I'm not quite sure yet what this blog is going to be about. Therefore, it is under creation.

There are some days that I feel like I am wandering down a lonely road, aimlessly, lost and alone. Trying continuously to find my way back to who I am and what I am.