Wednesday, June 23, 2010

A little background

For those that read here, I suppose a little background might be helpful especially if you haven't or don't read my other blog.

I've been married to a man for 20 years and we have 2 children together. Looking back now, I realize I was a mere child when we met and got married. I was 18 when we met, 19 when we married (two months before my 20th birthday). He was 36 when we married. He'd lived his life, traveled, worked, tried college, etc. Me...I was only dipping my toes in the water. I had only just started college, wasn't even sure what I wanted to study really.

At first he was sweet, caring, and charming. He was so, all through the dating. I come from an alcoholic home, and was living with a highly co-dependent mother. I just broken off an engagement a couple of months before I met him. We dated for all of 9 months before we got married. He pushed for it, was even insistent that I move in with him. I didn't, I wouldn't move in with him, but I relented on the getting married. I thought it was right at the time...he was very convincing and I was very naive and impressionable.

It wasn't long after we were married that he started to go back on all the promises he made before the "I dos". He would get angry if I didn't know how to do something. One night he wanted rice with dinner. All I knew how to make was Minute Rice. He got pissed because it wasn't "real rice" and how the hell did I not know how to make rice when it was so easy. I didn't know how to operate a washing machine that didn't take quarters another thing that pissed him off. And slowly over the years, the list grew.

Over the years he put me down, nothing I could ever do was good enough. Discouraged me from doing things I wanted to do after feigning support. Eventually alienated me from my family and any friends I the point that the only people I knew were his friends and only family was his family. As we had the kids, he threatened that if I ever tried to leave, he would have me arrested for kidnapping and have me declared unfit and that I'd never see them again.

We recently had to file bankruptcy, and due to some collections against me, the lawyers advised taking me off until the bankruptcy was final. Well that happened months ago, and he's never put me back on the account so now he controls all the finances.

If I make a friend, he wants to know them and talk to them. He wants to know what we talk about. If I made a little money babysitting, he wants to know how much. He says any friends I have or make have to be his friends too. I'm not allowed to have a best friend he says, the only best friend I'm allowed to have is him.

I've known things were not right for a long time. I kept hoping things would get better. My grandma came to live with us and I thought that would change things. In the five years she was with us, he managed to manipulate her in to buying big ticket items he wanted (like the living room set we have). When she passed away 3 and 1/2 years ago, my world shattered. My rock was gone. A few months after is when I realized things with him weren't going to get better.

Eventually I stopped sleeping in the same room with him. We've not been together in almost 3 years. But I have to live in the same house. And now the same esteem tearing things he says to me, he's starting to inflict on the girls. One can only hear they are worthless, useless, stupid, lazy, etc for so long before they start to believe it.

A couple of years ago, I met someone. We live in separate states (2200 miles apart). We want to be together. He's saving to move, and I don't have the money to leave. All the while I have that voice in my head that he'll take the kids from me. And even when he does move closer, I don't know if I'll have the strength or the courage to leave. The man I'm married to hasn't ever gotten physically violent outside of slamming doors and banging or breaking things. But I just don't know anymore if it will stay that way. Leaving is hard when you've been with some one this long and there are kids involved.

And that my friends is the short version.


Nellie said...

I'm so glad you have your blog and the various people in blogland where you can quite literally shut your husband out...
Though I've not been in an abusive marriage, I have been in a completely loveless one that I hung around in for longer than was healthy for the sake of a child... and guess what - when i finally did leave, about 2 years after I first thought i should, my little boy flourished. Ending the marriage was the best thing I could have done for my little boy. It got him away from all that bad energy, but at the time I felt I should stick it out for his sake.
Your husband CANNOT make good on his reporting you for kidnapping threat. HE IS SPEAKING OUT OF HIS ARSE in my humble opinion. I found that when you play by the rules and you don't let yourself rise to any bait that might be sent your way then the rules are generally on your side.
This man sounds like a bully, though I'm sure you know that already. Do not ever let him make you think it's all in your mind.
Have courage my lovely, you've got all the balls you need to make a better life for yourself and your children.
Nellie x

Crystalrainbow said...

Ditto Nelly :) i too have been there I hung around for five long years he controllled everything and used to tell me that if i left i would leave empty handed and so i did ........ eventually slowly i gathered my courage and i left with a few clothes in a bin bag and have never looked back, past still catches up with me from time to time but for my own sanity it had to be done and i do believe all will work out for you when the time is right and you are strong enough x x x blessings for a cool weekend stay strong and remember were always here to listen x x x x