Thursday, November 5, 2009

Update of sorts

I know I don't post here often, my apologies. I tend to do most of my postings on my main blog. But for those of you that follow here, I just wanted it known I'm still around and haven't forgotten this blog.

A week ago I had my 40th birthday, and I'm still in denial that I'm 40. Some days the mere mention of the number makes me feel damn old. I know, I know 40 isn't old. But the number, coupled with days where I feel like my life is a total failure, that I've accomplished nothing and continue to go nowhere, just makes me feel old. Or maybe it's just a feeling of defeat?

So there was that, then the weather was very rainy for Halloween. So we got all of about 2 or 3 trick-or-treaters and that was it.

November 1st would have been my grandma's 89th birthday. She passed away almost 3 years ago, on Thanksgiving Day 2006 to be exact. I miss her terribly. She was my rock, my go to person, she practically raised me from when I was 3 weeks old. She loved me unconditionally and was always there for me. It feels like an empty whole has been left in my life. I know she's in a better place, one without pain and sickness. After 15 years in remission and a mastectomy, the breast cancer returned with a vengeance and wracked her body with pain and spread so fast that by the time it was discovered that it had returned, she was given at best 3 months. I got a week, half of which she was just a shell of the person she once was and so weak and in such pain. I felt helpless.

And now I'm going through a really difficult time in my life, and some days I feel so alone.

Also, November is NaNoWriMo. Once again I am attempting to write 50,000 words in 30 days. I'm only at 577 of what I'm calling pure crap. I don't know what to do. My muse is silent, I can't see my story or hear my characters. I just don't know what to do.

That's about it for now. Until next time...


Anonymous said...

Hello Morgaine.

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling down. I understand the feeling old thing. I am 45 and I also understand the feeling like a failure thing. I have been there and still am in many ways. I have been battling a personal battle with depression brought on by lots of things in my life. But hey it helps to vent when you need too. Try to keep your head up.


mxtodis123 said...

Gosh, I don't know you and this is the first time I found your blogs, but I see a lot of me in feeling old at 40. Believe me. I did, too...and tried so hard to live a life of denial that I made myself unhappy by just not being me. In March I'll be 63...can't hide the aging anymore and don't want to. And you know what? I am finally happy with myself.

I can also identify with the loss of your grandma. My grandma was one of the most special women in my life, and even though she passed away 45 years ago, I still miss her so. See, I'm tearing up now. Never fails. But, I know she is here with me just as yours remains with you. She is in your heart forever.