Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sometimes I Walk Alone

I have the Greenday song "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" stuck in my head lately. It kind feels like my "theme" song at the moment. Yes, I have people in my life that love me and support kids, my prince charming. But this feeling is on a different level, one that I can't explain.

I feel so lost in this world. Sometimes I don't know who I am, or who I am supposed to be. Living with a person for 20 years that constantly tells you that you aren't good at don't cook right, you don't clean right, you don't clean the way I like it, you don't fold the clothes right, you shouldn't write that kind of book you should do this kind, why do you have to wear that (jeans and a fashion tee...nothing fancy or flashy), the list of things goes on. Next is...we can't make ends meet because it's your fault, you're lazy, you can't get a job because you don't have a degree, you need to go get such n such degree and do such n such job, this list goes on and on and on, too.

Before that, I was in a couple of other abusive relationships, one was physical the other was emotional/mental I guess you could say. Somedays I just feel so defeated, like I'm at the bottom of a well with no way out.

I do have a terrific guy in my life now. But it's so hard to accept the things he tells me. After years and years of being told the opposite, it's hard to believe the things he says is true. He's throwing me a rope, to help pull me out of the well but I can't seem to reach it yet. It's still out of reach.


Rayden Darklighter said...

I tried to post a comment on your other blog, but the comment thingie didn't work right, so I'm trying here. lol

I see what you mean about my post being your life, and I'm glad you found my blog, I feel your pain.

I have become a follower, and I look forward to seeing more posts, you're a great writer!

June Freaking Cleaver said...

I've been there. It's hard to erase the negative tapes in our head, to actually believe the positive message you're now receiving.

But you're worth it. Also, it's a great lesson for your girls, to see you cast off old ways of thinking that keep you stuck.