Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Student, Seeker, Searching for Me

So I have ordered and received my lessons from NAIMH. And I am working on the first lesson. Part of the assignment is to listen to 2 lectures and write a 1-2 page paper on them. I've been hesitant lol, I've not had to write a paper in about 20 years since I was a student at LaGuardia Community College. I'm nervous and scared about writing it. What if I can't write about how I could apply vitalism to my life? I also have to make 3 tinctures, which I'm honestly scared to make. I mean what if I add too much alcohol? Then what?

At the same time, I've been thinking alot about my path or lack thereof. In some ways I'm think I'm pagan, but then I think I'm Wiccan or a witch, then other times I am drawn to the Druid path. I feel so lost and confused all the time. I mean can one be a pagan and a druid, or a pagan and Wiccan? And then with Wicca there are so many paths, I don't know which if any are right for me. But I want a direction, I need a direction. I feel like sometimes I am wandering in the dark blindly. I feel like a liar if I say I'm a pagan or Wiccan because I don't feel like I have a true path to walk towards.

And then we come to who am I? For so long in my life, I have lived to be what someone else thought I should be and thought how they felt I should think, that I don't know how I am anymore. I was for lack of a better word forbidden to have my own beliefs or opinions. If they didn't fit into this person's view of how things are to be, I was heavily discouraged from following my heart and mind. It still holds true even now as I still have to live under this person's roof. If I express myself over concerns about the environment or the foods we eat, I'm being silly and overreacting. I'm being too extreme if I say I want my girls to eat a more organic diet and foods free of GMOs. It doesn't matter what it is that might strike a cord in me, if it doesn't suit "HIM" then I'm discouraged from taking an interest in it. Basically if it doesn't fit into his world it's not allowed.

Sure he may indulge for a short time if he thinks it's just a passing phase. But if it exceeds his "time frame" of how long I should be interested or if in his mind it takes away from attention on him, it becomes unnecessary and he calls it an obsession. He did this when I was involved with scrap booking and had a home based business, he did this when I was an avid reader, even when I was involved with my daughters in Girl Scouts.

Okay, that part really should be for another post. But suffice it to say, I have lost my identity. I don't know how I am, or what I'm supposed to be "when I grow up". I want to find myself again, I want to be free.


Sarah said...

Ellie, I tried to post a comment on your herb blog, but it wouldn't let me. I'm wondering what proportion of alcohol and water you've been told to use to make your tinctures. If you're making them just for yourself and for the first time, the best medium to use is vodka because the proportion of water already in the alcohol is usually the right amount. I'm also surprised you've been told to infuse them for only two weeks when the normal length of time is three weeks, although you can taste the tincture from time to time if you want to see how it is doing. (I don't do this normally, I just wait the three weeks and then strain.) Do you know which echinacea they have sent you and have they sent roots? If it's e.purpurea, you will have something which makes your tongue tingle, if it angustifolia, it won't make your tongue tingle, but will be as good as the other. Try to find out if anyone near you is going to grow scullcap this year so you can make a fresh tincture - it goes an amazing shade of green and is wonderful for those moments when you just want to scream and your nerves are all gangles.

If you want good information online for free on your herbs, look at David Hoffman's sites, Jim Macdonald, Rebecca Hartman and Kiva Rose Hardin at the Anima School. The crampbark tincture should turn slightly orange once it's made.

Good luck and if you need someone to bounce ideas off or ask questions...just shout.

Ellie said...

Thank you Sarah for letting me know about the comment problem. I'm not sure what the problem is, I can comment on that blog either. I even tried changing one of the settings.

I will message you privately about the herbs and such. Thank you for the input.

Dessa said...

Hello Ellie,

Your post really struck a cord in me and I had to reach out and let you know that you are not alone when you say that you feel like you have lost your identity. I think we all struggle with these kind of feelings sometimes. And, about being Pagan and Wiccan or a Witch--the answer is yes. The word "Pagan" is a bit of an umbrella term that covers many different paths. So, all Wiccan's are Pagan. All Witches are Pagan. All Druids are Pagan. But not all Witches are Wiccan. See how that works?

I am sorry that there seems to be a heavy hand holding you down right now. Sending you love and light and the strength to start looking out for you and your children. I am here if you would ever like to talk.