Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I should call this the forgotten blog.

I don't know, it's not that I can easily forget it. It is up on my dashboard staring at me all the time, it's more like I don't know what to do with it. I was originally going to try and separate out one for things about me trying to write and the other just about me and my thoughts. But, it seems that's more or less what my main blog has turned thoughts, fears, feelings, etc. Oh I do include my struggles with writing which mostly consist of "I have writer's block." or "My Muse still won't speak to me." I'm sure my readers get tired of hearing that after awhile :D

Well let's see um, I want to take classes to work towards becoming a Master Herbalist and Holistic Practitioner. The only thing well the main thing holding me back is money. I don't know how in the world I can pay for it. The distance learning program I'm looking at doesn't take financial aide. They do offer a payment plan, but again having to come up with the down payment and the monthly payments I don't know how I'll do it. I don't even know where or how to look for grants that aren't scams. My not soon enough for me to be ex has offered to pay for it, or well more like let me use part of a tax refund if we should get one towards it then he offered to make the remaining payments. I am extremely hesitant to do this. Simply because he'd take it as a "sign" that things with us are "okay".

I don't know how to make it any clearer that we're over. We've been separated for over 2 years now. Yes we live in the same house, but separate rooms and all that. I've even on more than one occasion told him we're done, over, and that I want out. The one time he told me I could stay until I decided what I wanted to do and where I wanted to live. Unfortunately for me, I haven't been able to find a job, my credit is shot to hell, so getting my own place and paying for it is kind of not possible right now. So...I'm stuck living here for the time being to endure his verbal abuses and snide remarks, to endure his subtle suggestions to come back to his room. Damn the guy is dense!

Another reason I don't want him paying for my courses is that he's already seeing dollar signs. I mean I'm not even registered anywhere yet, no courses, nothing and he's already planning what I'm going to do with my certificate/degree if I should get it. Hell he's even gone so far as to take me to a new business development area to show me a great place to open a shop and started spewing stuff about an SBA loan to help me start up. I mean damn FFS get a clue and wake up.

But that's kinda where I am right now. Just trying to figure stuff out. I more or less know what I want, I just don't know how to get it. I know I'm not where I need to be or am supposed to be. Every part of me cries for a new place...I feel like I'm supposed to be in the northeast or northwest coastal area somewhere. My soul cries for the UK, but that's not in the cards right now.

I just wanted to let people know I didn't forget this blog, I just don't know what I want to do with it yet. And I've just been trying to figure crap out with my life.


Dessa said...

Hey, girl, we have a whole lot in common. I am wanting to go in the same direction but every time I start checking into schools or courses and I see the cost (which I know is completely worth it) I just don't see how we can swing it right now. I totally know how you are feeling--just plain stuck and looking for some inspiration. Me too.

Dessa said...

I forgot to say in my first comment that I love V.C. Andrews, too. I hope you keep up with the blog...I think we just might have a lot in common. Blessings...

Morgaine Pendragon said...

Thanks Dessa. I'm going to try to keep up here, just don't know quite what to do with it. I mainly post at my other blog The Forgotten Muse. So if I'm not writing here, surely there is something on my other blog.
Bright Blessings
PS: I see you found the other blog :D

Sarah said...

This may sound wierd, but talk to Robin Rose Bennett. You can contact her through the Herbwifery Forum. She offers herbal apprenticeships and she has a group of women she works with on an energetic level near New York. They may be able to help you figure out a way how to move to do what you want to do.