Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Missing Home

I've been feeling home sick lately, sorta... I don't know. I miss Brooklyn! I miss Greenpoint, where I grew up...a lot. Maybe it's because I just turned 40. Maybe it's because my Grandma's birthday just passed, she would have been 89. Maybe it was a few blogs I came across that talked about my old neighborhood, which got me to thinking about the vast array of foods I could pick from in a just a few blocks. Pizza, Pierogi, Kielbasa, Chinese food, Cheesecake! I miss babka from White Eagle Bakery, I miss Kielbasa from B & B on the Northside, I miss cheesecake from Fortunato's Bakery. I miss going to the candy store and ordering an egg cream and not getting weird looks for it.

I left NY when I was 20. I thought I was moving to greener pastures, but Florida sucked. Seven years and I hated everyone of them. Then we moved up to Georgia, and I don't like it here much better. I'm not a Southern girl. I'm not a country girl, I thought I could be... But I can't. I'm a city girl through and through. Maybe if there were more options for transportation where I'm at other than having to drive a car. (Okay, yes...I'm 40 years old and I don't drive! By choice tyvm!!) Like for instance, Long can take the L.I.R.R. and go into the city or Queens. I'm a Yankee, it's in my blood. And I dislike living in the south!

But, no matter still, even NY sometimes didn't feel like home. It's like I feel a calling sometimes from across the sea. The U.K., Ireland...they call to me. Glastonbury, Cornwall, Oxford, Stonehenge...I feel such a longing. The odd thing is though, I cannot find a logical reason why. To my knowledge and genealogical research I cannot find any Celtic or British in my family tree. NONE! Polish...check! Ukrainian...check! Austrian...possible check! I think once in my bunny trails of tracing my family histories I found a possibility of Bohemian! But nothing that would explain why I feel so drawn across the pond.

Along with my longing for the U.K., I feel a pull to things of Avalon, to Druids, to study the Craft and all things Magick. Another thing I cannot explain. I was raised Roman Catholic, as was everyone in my family before me. Baptized, Confirmed the whole nine yards. Yet, I felt like I didn't belong. After I got married, I got "saved". And was taught that all things pagan, wiccan, witchy, magick, etc were evil and of the devil. But I didn't feel that way. I tried to bury my desires, my longings, but to no avail. And again I felt like I didn't belong, that it wasn't the path for me. Once again, the "pagan path" if you will for lack of a better term since I still have yet to find my place still calls to me ever stronger than before. And it's all a part of missing home, even though I do not know where home is.

This ended up longer than I intended. And seems to somewhat gone astray. But the thing I guess I'm trying to say is that I miss home...where ever that maybe.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Update of sorts

I know I don't post here often, my apologies. I tend to do most of my postings on my main blog. But for those of you that follow here, I just wanted it known I'm still around and haven't forgotten this blog.

A week ago I had my 40th birthday, and I'm still in denial that I'm 40. Some days the mere mention of the number makes me feel damn old. I know, I know 40 isn't old. But the number, coupled with days where I feel like my life is a total failure, that I've accomplished nothing and continue to go nowhere, just makes me feel old. Or maybe it's just a feeling of defeat?

So there was that, then the weather was very rainy for Halloween. So we got all of about 2 or 3 trick-or-treaters and that was it.

November 1st would have been my grandma's 89th birthday. She passed away almost 3 years ago, on Thanksgiving Day 2006 to be exact. I miss her terribly. She was my rock, my go to person, she practically raised me from when I was 3 weeks old. She loved me unconditionally and was always there for me. It feels like an empty whole has been left in my life. I know she's in a better place, one without pain and sickness. After 15 years in remission and a mastectomy, the breast cancer returned with a vengeance and wracked her body with pain and spread so fast that by the time it was discovered that it had returned, she was given at best 3 months. I got a week, half of which she was just a shell of the person she once was and so weak and in such pain. I felt helpless.

And now I'm going through a really difficult time in my life, and some days I feel so alone.

Also, November is NaNoWriMo. Once again I am attempting to write 50,000 words in 30 days. I'm only at 577 of what I'm calling pure crap. I don't know what to do. My muse is silent, I can't see my story or hear my characters. I just don't know what to do.

That's about it for now. Until next time...