Crosspost - These Are A Start

This is a cross post from my other blog, The Forgotten Muse. I thought I'd share it here as well.

So I've been trying to think of ways to maybe earn some money. Michael's had a great sale a couple weeks ago on the Sugar & Cream brand yarn, so I invested in some (like maybe 20 skeins of it? lol) Then I found a fairly simple pattern to make some cute little bags that I could do while I got used to the rhythm of crocheting again. My last big project was some "Harry Potter" themed scarves back in like 2005!

I plan to make more. I've gotten used to the pattern, and found a new way to start it thanks to a wonderful Youtube video on "how to do a magic circle" (how fitting, don't you think?)

My first 3 or so were done as per the pattern, they are prototypes as I was learning the pattern. The lighter colored ones which ended up in line with the pattern's size description were done using the magic circle to start it technique.

My plan is to start selling them on Etsy at some point. I just don't know what or how to do that. I don't have a 'store' name, or know how to price such things, or even if they are good enough to sell. But here's a sneak peak at what they look like. I hope to include some shawls, and perhaps if I can master the pattern some larger bags.

Here's hoping to a start of something good.

I'm Still in Awe

I'm still somewhat amazed that to have received that award and that you all think of my ramblings worthy to be called a blog of substance.

There are days I post things on my blog and think should I have really done that. At times I feel bothersome and a nuisance posting my seemingly petty rantings.

But some one left a comment on my other blog that made me feel as though I was punched in the stomach. It hurt and that in itself shocked me. But it was enough to make me consider deleting my blogs. I began to think the she was right in what she said and that all I do is complain, complain, complain. Complaining is not my intent by any means. I intended my words in my blogs to be a way of expressing myself, my thoughts, my feelings.

I don't have a "BFF Jill" that I can call or visit and pour my heart to whenever I'm feeling down or scared or anything else. I can't go to my so called family either. They are of the mind that 'you made your bed, now lie in it' so to speak. I can remember all to well what it was like growing up as they sat by and watched as I endured growing up in an alcoholic home. Without so much as a 'hey why don't you spend the weekend or the night here', just to give me a break or some sort of sense of 'normalcy'. And of course the one person that I could have gone to and poured my heart out to at any time, has passed away. I can no longer sit at her knee and cry my eyes out while she strokes my hair and tells me it will all be okay.

I thank you all for thinking of my blog as one of substance, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your words of encouragement. I love you all!

May the Goddess shine blessings upon you all! )O(

Lammas Blessings

Wishing you all a blessed Lammas!

I came across this lovely picture doing a goggle search. It is called Lughnasadh by Nadi Spencer.

Blog Award-Thank You!!

Wow! Me, my blog? A blog with substance? I'm flattered and speechless. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Crystalrainbow!

Here are the rules:

Thank the blogger who awarded it to you. (check)

Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words. example: WRITE HEART PEOPLE LIVE HAPPY

Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

So let's see 5 words to sum up my blogging...hmmmm...that's kinda tough as I never really gave it much thought. Let's see... SEARCHING, HONEST, OPEN, LIFE, DISCOVERY

Now to pass it along to 10 others:

Kathy at The Life and Times of Jhem Terriac
Nellie at Working Spirituality
Kat at Antics of a Tameran Witch
Magaly at Pagan Culture
Dessa at Heartsease Hollow
Mxtodis123 at Moontides
(okay that's only 6 I know, but I don't always follow the rules. :D)

Struggling with My Thoughts and Tarot Cards Speak

I've been struggling lately with the whole should I stay or should I go. Whether I'm doing the right thing, or being selfish and self-centered. Am I throwing it all away? Is everything all in my head? It's such a difficult time I find myself in...I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place some days. I question whether leaving is the right thing to do for me, for the girls...if taking them one of these days out of the only home they've ever known is the right move...if by focusing on what I want or need makes me a selfish person.

Today I decided to consult my Tarot cards, as well as try out a few of those online Tarot readings. Out of about 6 different ones I did, one card came up almost every time. It was the Eight of Cups. Basically from everything I was able to read about the card, it's telling me it is time for a change. That it's time to move on, to get out, things in my situation will not change. That I know what I need to do and that I need do it.

I don't know where or how I will find the means to leave. I'm so afraid of leaving. I'm afraid of what he might do. I'm afraid that my youngest won't want to leave. I'm afraid that by leaving I'm being selfish. I'm afraid that I won't be able to make it out there. Then of course the other thing is where do I go if I did leave soon. And what if my youngest doesn't want to go to?

But, the cards were clear that leaving is what I must do.

A little background

For those that read here, I suppose a little background might be helpful especially if you haven't or don't read my other blog.

I've been married to a man for 20 years and we have 2 children together. Looking back now, I realize I was a mere child when we met and got married. I was 18 when we met, 19 when we married (two months before my 20th birthday). He was 36 when we married. He'd lived his life, traveled, worked, tried college, etc. Me...I was only dipping my toes in the water. I had only just started college, wasn't even sure what I wanted to study really.

At first he was sweet, caring, and charming. He was so, all through the dating. I come from an alcoholic home, and was living with a highly co-dependent mother. I just broken off an engagement a couple of months before I met him. We dated for all of 9 months before we got married. He pushed for it, was even insistent that I move in with him. I didn't, I wouldn't move in with him, but I relented on the getting married. I thought it was right at the time...he was very convincing and I was very naive and impressionable.

It wasn't long after we were married that he started to go back on all the promises he made before the "I dos". He would get angry if I didn't know how to do something. One night he wanted rice with dinner. All I knew how to make was Minute Rice. He got pissed because it wasn't "real rice" and how the hell did I not know how to make rice when it was so easy. I didn't know how to operate a washing machine that didn't take quarters another thing that pissed him off. And slowly over the years, the list grew.

Over the years he put me down, nothing I could ever do was good enough. Discouraged me from doing things I wanted to do after feigning support. Eventually alienated me from my family and any friends I had...to the point that the only people I knew were his friends and only family was his family. As we had the kids, he threatened that if I ever tried to leave, he would have me arrested for kidnapping and have me declared unfit and that I'd never see them again.

We recently had to file bankruptcy, and due to some collections against me, the lawyers advised taking me off until the bankruptcy was final. Well that happened months ago, and he's never put me back on the account so now he controls all the finances.

If I make a friend, he wants to know them and talk to them. He wants to know what we talk about. If I made a little money babysitting, he wants to know how much. He says any friends I have or make have to be his friends too. I'm not allowed to have a best friend he says, the only best friend I'm allowed to have is him.

I've known things were not right for a long time. I kept hoping things would get better. My grandma came to live with us and I thought that would change things. In the five years she was with us, he managed to manipulate her in to buying big ticket items he wanted (like the living room set we have). When she passed away 3 and 1/2 years ago, my world shattered. My rock was gone. A few months after is when I realized things with him weren't going to get better.

Eventually I stopped sleeping in the same room with him. We've not been together in almost 3 years. But I have to live in the same house. And now the same esteem tearing things he says to me, he's starting to inflict on the girls. One can only hear they are worthless, useless, stupid, lazy, etc for so long before they start to believe it.

A couple of years ago, I met someone. We live in separate states (2200 miles apart). We want to be together. He's saving to move, and I don't have the money to leave. All the while I have that voice in my head that he'll take the kids from me. And even when he does move closer, I don't know if I'll have the strength or the courage to leave. The man I'm married to hasn't ever gotten physically violent outside of slamming doors and banging or breaking things. But I just don't know anymore if it will stay that way. Leaving is hard when you've been with some one this long and there are kids involved.

And that my friends is the short version.

When the Darkness Tries to Consume You

What do you do when that happens? By darkness I mean the fear, in it's all consuming devouring ways. It swallows up and blocks out all the light and good. The fear has pushed me so far into it's depths I don't see a way out. I try to, but I can't see it.

I'm so afraid to leave him, but I'm afraid to stay too. He's civil now for the most part, and he's never gotten physical outside of slamming doors and banging things or breaking dishes. I have no where to go, and no money to do so. I have no friends or family I can turn to. If I left now, and tried to go to a shelter, I wouldn't get anything I leave behind back. I'm not willing to risk losing what's mine. I've done that once, lost everything...I can't go through that again.

I just sometimes wonder how long he can stay non-violent. We've been separated (sleeping in separate rooms) for about 3 years now. I just don't know how long he's going to stay that way. Often times I wonder if I make it all up in my head. I've been in a physically abusive relationship, you can see it, you can feel it. But when it's psychological/emotional abuse...it's a whole different ballgame.

Besides my girls, I have one good thing in my life right now. And yesterday I almost blew it. I've been shutting my good thing out and pushing him away, I almost lost him. He lives so far away, and the distance is taking its toll on me. Between the distance and having to live with Mr Dastardly upstairs, it's getting to be too much and it's so hard. But to lose my good thing would have been the worse thing possible, worse than if I lost everything I own.

But none of that answers the question of how do I get through the darkness and the fear? How do I not let it consume me?