Last post of the year

I just realized that my last post is also my 40th post on the this blog. I had really hoped I'd have done more with it. But when I'm struggling to find my way and all the dogma of my previous belief system screaming in my head....well yeah.

I think my Word for the year is going to be: FREEDOM.

I made a list of words and that was the first word I wrote, and when ever I think about my list, it's the first word that comes to mind. I think it's appropriate as I am seeking Freedom from an over possessive and controlling spouse that I no longer wish to be with. Seeking Freedom in my spiritual life, to find my path and my Goddess. Seeking Freedom to create more in art and writing.

The other words I think support this word, they all kind of go together.

I wish you all the most wonderful things in the New Year and may it be filled with Bright Blessings.

Yule Blessings

My wish for all of you this Yule season and through the coming year is summed up in that statement.

I had the opportunity to view the eclipse last night and I must say it was beautiful and spectacular. A few clouds rolled in and I thought it would spoil it but they passed over and didn't move back in until the Moon was in full eclipse. The energy from the Moon was very strong and empowering.

Warm wishes on this Winter Solstice and the Brightest of Yule Blessings upon you all.

Still here

I'm still around, I just haven't felt much like posting. Well I've wanted to, but I felt like it wasn't worth the effort, that it was meaningless, sometimes I felt like it made no sense. I just can't seem to focus, I'm feeling down, and wish I was anywhere but where I am right now.

I want to study, but I don't know what direction to take. I don't have the recommended books and can't get them from my library. And then, I feel so weighted down with all that holy roller christianity stuff that has been drummed into me, it's hard to break free of the mentality that one will burn in hell for not following the church's prescribed methods. I know that organized religion isn't for me. But the 'brainwashing' they impose doesn't shed easily.

I've been feeling down...missing my grandma and my dad. They both passed on the holidays, grandma Thanksgiving 2006 and my dad Christmas Eve 1994. I know they wouldn't want me to be sad, but it's hard not to be. Especially when you would rather be somewhere else, with someone else. My only hope is that this time next year, I will be in a better place.

Hopefully after the holidays pass, I can get back to some sort of normal posting and back to my bunny trails as I seek the Goddess.

Samhain Blessings

Wishing you all a Happy Halloween and a Blessed Samhain.
May the coming year bring you good health, lots of love and joy, peace and prosperity, and maybe your days be full of magick.

Kitty's Strange Behavior

Last week there was a fire in the woods behind the house. The fire dept seemed to think it may have been started intentionally, but too hard to tell. But we had to deal with it flaring up for about 3 days. I think it's finally burned itself out. Friday was the first day that they didn't have to come out.

Well on Friday evening, I went out on the hill to check on any additional damage that may have occurred on my hill and to see if there was any hot spots on the other side of the fence line. I was only up there a few minutes when our cat came bounding up the hill through the pines and sat at my feet meowing at me. I got the feeling he was telling me to go back so I said we would. Normally he would run off in front of me, but not this time. He sat at my feet until I started to head back the way I came. Then he started to follow behind me, meowing up at me occasionally. I stopped for a second and told him to go ahead and he still wouldn't pass me. He stayed behind me the entire time to make sure I did in fact go back down the hill.

Now this is something I've never seen him do before. He wouldn't even come out of the yard when I brought his food out. I think he thought I was trying to trick him. That if I fed him, I'd go back up while he was eating. I had to assure him several times I wouldn't go back before he came to eat finally.

Then on Saturday, we heard some fire trucks and he came running over to me and sat on the stairs meowing at me the entire time. I had to keep telling him I wasn't going to go up there. He wouldn't settle down until I went back in the house.

I don't know what to make of this behavior. I've never seen him like that before.

Wild Fires

Scary days the last 2 they are/were. Behind the house is a stretch of woods, preserve land they say. It's just past the property line and goes up to the Middle/High school near us. There's a nature trail on it that the school uses mostly in the spring.

Well Tuesday afternoon there was smoke only a few yards off from our property line and the next thing I knew, fire trucks pulled up and the men dashed off into the woods with fire extinguishers. There were at least 2 spots far as we could tell that were burning. The spent about 2 hours up there putting them out.

This afternoon (Wednesday) my older girl comes running down to me "Momma we have a fire on the hill!" I thought she meant up top near the original area, but NO!...I opened my back door and there's flames on my hill!! Our hill is held up by a 4 foot high railroad tie retaining wall....the flames were about 2 maybe 3 feet from the edge. The line of flames ran about a good 6 feet across the hill. I heard the fire trucks pulling up before I could even get the words out of my mouth. I literally didn't know what to do next. I didn't know what the flames would do next.

I dashed upstairs and out the front door and ran up to the fire chief's truck and told him we had a fire in the yard. He thought I meant up top, but by the panic in my voice and on my face after telling him NO it's right at the bottom behind the house! He sent men back there immediately.

They spent about 2 hours spraying our hill from one end to the other and back again. I have less than 1/3 acre so it's not very big back there, but they soaked and soaked that hill best they could. The original spots up in the woods also flared up, so they did what they could with it and then had the forestry people come in a dig a break between our property line and the fire.

They told me it was most likely deliberately set by some teens, maybe they were smoking up there. That it would smoke for a couple more days. Imagine my surprise when my neighbor knocked on my door to say she saw flames in the woods again!! We went outside and sure enough the darn thing is flaring up. So out came the firemen again. They assured us it wouldn't jump the break. It has to burn itself out they said, since the fire is now inside a fallen hallowed out/rotten tree. So its burning from the inside out and they can't stop it. They also told us that most of the state is under a Red Flag Warning.

I think the thing that struck me most was when one of them told me "Fire is a living thing. And it's feeding on whatever it can to stay alive and spread." I never thought of fire as living. But it needs oxygen just like we do, and it needs fuel (food) to survive. So I suppose he's right. But it struck a cord with me, and I feel like it his words have a deeper meaning that I just can't put my finger on.

But tomorrow is going to be a windy day, and we're still under the warning for at least the next 2 days with no rain in site.

The one fireman told me a good bit at the top of the hill was burned but from the ground I can't see up there too many pines in the way. I'll have to walk up the hill in the morning and check on my apple tree and pear tree, as well as to see just how much has been damaged up there. Seeing the flames has me scared to bits. This city girl doesn't do wild fires very well.

Odd dreams

Before waking this morning I was having the oddest dream. It seemed like every time I woke up and fell back to sleep, I'd end up back in the same dream just picking up where it left off.

What I remember of it was that we (the not soon enough to be Ex) and I were driving near a cemetery that seemed like it was being torn up. Headstones were toppled and broken, the ground was turned up with piles of dirt and tree branches everywhere. As I looked around, my heart was breaking to see such destruction of a hallowed place, but I was getting the sense they were the graves of children for some reason. I kept seeing tiny heads in the piles of dirt thinking they were children's skulls only to realize they were the heads off the small angelic statues. I was pleading with him to drive and tread as carefully as possible to not disturb the dead and to try and not crush anything. For whatever reason, we had to drive over this to get back to the road.

Once back on the road, we pulled over. I got out and went over to a knocked down willow tree. I kept thinking about wanting/needing a wand made of willow. Again my heart was aching for this tree that was clearly deliberately destroyed, fingering it's branches as it lay there in a heap of brokenness in a mound of dirt and other dead branches. But the leaves were still so vibrantly green, it felt like it still had life in it. I could not bring myself to take a branch off the tree itself and kept looking around for one that may have already been shed, but couldn't find any. It felt like the tree was telling me to take the branch I was holding in my hand but I had no way to remove it and didn't want to just break it off.

I woke up again at some point and as I was falling back into this dream, I heard the number 6 repeated verbally several times, if I think hard it was about 5 times that the number was said. What the hell do 6s and willow trees and cemeteries have to do with anything?

The dream did remind me how when I was little and we'd go to the cemetery my maternal grandfather is buried at, I'd would wander around the near by graves and marvel at how young some of the dead were. Many were infants or children no older than I was at the time. I couldn't understand how they could have died so young, and there were so so many. Including my uncle who died at about 6 months old or so.

The dream just leaves me wondering what does it mean if anything. I've had trouble remembering any of my dreams as of late again. I keep a notebook by my bed, but as soon as my eyes open there's nothing to remember. So when I do remember something, I wonder if there's any meaning to it all.

Keeping Busy

In trying to keep my mind off the negative stuff in my life, I'm going to try keeping myself busy. I've gone and signed up for 2 free workshop/classes online. One is a creative writing one, the other is an art one. Along with wanting to focus on my herbal lessons, get the Etsy store off the ground, and hopefully prep for NaNoWriMo...with some continued Goddess research for good measure.

Hopefully I'll be able to track down some inexpensive used copies of the books on Druidry I'm after. I did manage to find 2 books on Britain by A. L. Rowse and 1 book called "The Celts". They were at the Goodwill for just a couple dollars a piece. Too good of a deal to pass up.

So the goal this week is to finish setting up a work area in my little room. Get my laptop set up for NaNoWriMo along with my notebooks that I use. Continue to go through things that I don't need anymore, by the time I'm done I should have about 2 bags of clothing for the Goodwill tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be feeling up to going out to drop them off and pick up some supplies for the art course.

After the Storm

I love storms and the sound of thunder, but I can live without the lightening we sometimes get. But in the end a sight like this is always worth it.

You can't see it here, but there was actually 3 rainbows. I thought it was my eyes playing tricks until my young one cried out "OMG there's three of them!" Just under the main bright rainbow is the third one but the colors going in the opposite order.

Oddly enough, cannot find one darn thing online about what rainbows mean in Pagan terms. I can find christian terms till they come outta my ears, but none for Pagan. I must be looking in the wrong places.

Mabon Blessings

Today I'd like to wish all of you a Very Blessed Mabon. To my understanding, a time of thanksgiving.

I am thankful for all of you that follow my wee little blog and am I thankful for those of you that are becoming friends. I am thankful to the Goddess for rescuing me and helping me find my way. I am thankful for my daughters. I am thankful for my beloved.

May the Goddess shine down blessings on you all.

Goddess Aspects, How Do You Know?

I've spent the better part of the late afternoon and evening...well at this point night, looking up a few of the Goddesses I am interested in or drawn to. My personal library has zero resources I can pull from, and the public library system well they leave much to be desired. So I turn to the web in its vast array and wealth of information. But my gods I've never hit so many brick walls like I did today. Not just on information on a Goddess but even finding out what aspect she might be.

I tried different ways of Google searches and no matter what I did or how I searched I almost always got the same results. Then, after say looking at page 3 of said results, most of the stuff was just cut and paste from another site I just looked at in the last few clicks. Talk about frustrating!

So how do you know or figure out what aspect a Goddess might be? How do I know if she is a Maiden, Mother, or Crone aspect?

For instance, Airmid. I could find an assortment of information on her and that she's a Goddess of healing. How when her brother died 365 herbs grew on his grave. But no where could I find what aspect she would be. Or Rhiannon, I found a lot of information on her, but nothing again as to her aspect. Cerridwen however was clearly stated she was the Crone aspect. Most sites said the same about Morrigan.

Is it that the information isn't out there? Was I looking in the wrong places and using the wrong key words for my searches? Or do not all Goddesses correspond to one of the aspects?

I primarily (for now) am focusing on Airmid, Rhiannon, Morrigan and Cerridwen. Anyone know of a good source online that doesn't have the same one line of info that's been rehashed on every other website?

I Will Never Forget

Nine years ago today, the worst thing I had ever witnessed in my life occurred. Planes struck the Twin Towers, one plane crashed in Pennsylvania. I still cannot put into words the emotions and thoughts I had that day.

I will never forget. Never will I forget the tragedy that struck, the lives that were lost, the damage that was done. Never will I forget that I had planned to be there at the Towers that day with my two girls. Never will I be so grateful for my daughter having gotten a bad nose bleed the night before that kept us up most of the night for fear of it starting up again.

If it wasn't for that, we would have been getting up to leave at that time and quite possibly we could have been there when they started to fall.

I will never forget the eerie silence when all the planes were grounded. Nor will I forget the sight of seeing fighter jets flying over my old neighborhood as they circled around the air space of Ground Zero.

That fateful day is forever etched in my mind and heart. I often wonder, why she got that nose bleed. Why were we kept from going there that day? I may never know the answer to why, but I am grateful that we are here today.

NEVER FORGET!

Crossroads

I feel as though I am at a crossroads. In fact I know I am. Not just in my life, but on my path.

In life it's a where do I go from here. What's next for me? Do I stay in Georgia or move out of state? Do I start an Etsy shop or not? If I do, what do I name it?

Then there's my path. What is it? How do I go down it? Which road do I take? I feel called to Druidry. But I also feel called to the Avalon path. Or yes I know I can combine the two, that's another option.

Where do I learn from? So many choices. And with limited funds sometimes, most times seems impossible that it will ever happen. Or books, there's a couple I want/need to read, study, learn from. But my library system either A) doesn't have it or B) it's out on loan or missing. Hmmm....no surprise on the missing here in the bible belt. So I looked into buying used. Great, right? I found really good prices on Alibris...8 books in very good to new condition for just under $22.00...FANTASTIC!...Woah...not so fast...the shipping cost more than the books combined. So my bargain shopping would cost me almost $50.00. So scratch that idea.

Next is which God/dess do I look up to? Who do I choose or more like who will choose me? I've had the dreams, still waiting for answers. On the one hand Rhiannon seems like a natural fit based off what I've researched. But Hekate has been cropping up everywhere on me. Blogs, Yahoo groups, etc. And I come to find out she is Goddess of the Crossroads. Could she be hinted at in one of my dreams? I don't know. Plus she's of a whole different pantheon than what I feel drawn to.

All these different roads, all these different choices....leaves me finding it very difficult to breathe or think. I'm so tired of making the wrong choices, or choosing what some one else thinks I should. I just don't want to fail.


*Photo credit*

More Dreams

I do realize these could mean absolutely nothing at all. But just the mere fact I'm remembering particular snippets of the dreams, has me inclined to think they do hold some sort of meaning.

About 2-3 nights ago, I was in an old building. It was at least 2 story, but not necessarily with a second floor more like the roof was just vaulted that high. It was dim, almost like lit by candles or lanterns, and only enhanced more by the dark rain clouds outside. I could make out the think heavy timbers with dark stain that made up the walls and the ceiling. I know I was with my beloved and my eldest daughter.

We opened the door, and it was indeed raining, but moving off to our right. On opening the door I knew I was not stateside, and when I looked back at the building, I could see the heavy wood timbers and the white plaster of the building walls. Quite reminiscent of a home or shop in an old village. The clouds to the right were dark, the ones to the left were more gray. Out in front was a long dirt or stone road with a split rail fence and fields on either side of it, and a large group of trees off in the distance. Above us the clouds broke, and I could see some of the blue sky, and rays of sunshine though not the sun itself...And then a full rainbow appeared over us. I told my beloved "Kiss me quick under the rainbow." ....Then I woke up.

Last night I was where appeared to be a street in my childhood neighborhood. It was night, and there was a full moon. It was big and bright, and I found myself annoyed at the street light. I was marveling at the moon, when a smaller but reddish or orange-y red object appeared. At first I thought oh my it's Mars. But then 2 more of them appeared, like 3 moons of a red or orange-red, but they seemed fade or dim. Not bright. Together they formed a triangle...the first and smallest on the left, a larger one at the top and the third a tad smaller then the top one.

I was in awe. But if I looked at the Bright moon, the 3 went away...if I looked at the 3 the bright one went away. I thought I need my oldest to photograph, but I couldn't get to her for some reason. So I thought I would try to with my cell phone. But I couldn't focus, and they started to disappear, by the time I managed the photo there was only one remaining.

I'm not sure what either of these might meaning if anything. My initial thought of the Moon dream was something with the Goddess. But, I don't know.

New Blog Name

As I stated a few days ago, I've been pondering a name change of this blog.

This is the new name for the time being. It's still a work in progress. It may yet change again, but this will do for now.

It is a blend of what I see as my path for the time being. I am a Solitary, both by choice and lack of ability to get to any gatherings that may be in line with my path of learning. I feel called by Avalon. I cannot explain it, but I feel a connection to the Holy Isle. And lastly I wish to study to be a Druid, a path I also feel drawn to.

The image in the header is a still from the movie "Mists of Avalon". A movie that I love.

As I start posting on this blog, I am hoping it will be from the point of my learning and observing, following where ever the Goddess takes me.

Dream and Possible Meaning- Semi Cross Post

I wrote about this on my main blog a few days ago. But it's the first dream and what it means that keeps haunting me, tugging at me right now. I'm not quite sure what it means, or if indeed I'm a on the right trail as to what it might mean. So I will only be posting the first dream here...for now.

The Dream:

About a week ago now, I had a dream. Of a courtyard made of white stone with a large round fountain. People were gathered some in the courtyard near the fountain, others on a set of steps leading up to a castle (perhaps). Two large white horses came running up, splashed through the fountain and stopped before a young man amidst the crowd. He held out his hand to calm the people telling them it's alright, the horses were messengers. The young man held a helmet in his hand and wore some sort of ancient garb, possibly Roman, but this wasn't Rome. I think he may have been a prince.

Possible Meaning:

I'll start with the horses. I initially thought of Epona. And while that seemed to click for me, I kept thinking there's more than one horse. And Rhiannon kept coming to mind. Horses symbolize strength, power, endurance; a white horse signifies purity, prosperity, good fortunes. Horses also symbolize hands on/spiritual healers. So then I looked up the 2 Goddesses.

Epona is a Celtic horse Goddess, other sites listed her as Gaulish. She can be seen as a Goddess of dreams, can be helpful in manifesting dreams and is a good protector to have when venturing on a new life path; also can be called upon if one is having trouble sleeping or wishing to have insightful dreams.

Rhiannon is a Welsh Goddess. She is known as a Muse for poets, artists, and royalty. She acts as a Muse bringing illuminating energy of Inspiration to writers, poets, musicians, and artists. She as been associated with Vivienne and the Lady of the Lake. One of her animal associations is the hummingbird! (I just saw one the other day after not seeing any for a couple years!) One of the associated gemstones with her is Amethyst (saw them in my second dream).

Castle can relate to past life influences.

I spent a good deal of time on different websites, none of which I had the good sense to bookmark or notate, gathering the above information.

As I said, I am still trying to rationalize the dream. My attention seems fixed on the horses, which looked very much like Shadowfax, Gandalf's horse in the movie. They seemed almost larger than a normal horse. And they were messengers, but bore no riders. Messengers of who, and what did they have to tell?

Of course I have a strong affinity to anything related to Avalon...Morgaine, Vivienne, The Lady of the Lake, Arthur, Merlin, etc. There are many times I feel called by Avalon to follow the path of Goddess. But at the same time I feel called to follow the Druid path.

I can see a bit too, where Rhiannon makes sense. She wants a person to ask specifically what they want, which is something I have great trouble doing. I've tried speaking to both Epona and Rhiannon, and I'm finding it difficult to speak to Epona, it's like a struggle. But when trying to speak to Rhiannon, it seems somewhat easier.

I don't know still with certainty what this dream means, I am still searching for answers.

What to do with this blog?

I've been thinking a lot about this blog lately. And I don't know what to do with it. It was originally going to be the place I put my struggles to find myself, but then I changed the premise of my main blog. So I want to kind of repurpose this one. Not so much to focus on my inner struggles but perhaps to write about my spiritual journey such that it may be.

I'm considering changing the name as well. Since I've been feeling a pull to Avalon and the Druid path, I feel like my blog name should reflect that. So it will probably change in the coming days.

I will still post about the goings on in my life but it will perhaps and hopefully be from a different perspective.

I just didn't want you to think I'd abandoned this blog, I haven't I just didn't know what I wanted to do with it.

Awesome Give Away at Mother Moon.

Mother Moon is having an awesome "Eat Pray Love" give away. Head on over and check it out.

Crosspost - These Are A Start

This is a cross post from my other blog, The Forgotten Muse. I thought I'd share it here as well.

So I've been trying to think of ways to maybe earn some money. Michael's had a great sale a couple weeks ago on the Sugar & Cream brand yarn, so I invested in some (like maybe 20 skeins of it? lol) Then I found a fairly simple pattern to make some cute little bags that I could do while I got used to the rhythm of crocheting again. My last big project was some "Harry Potter" themed scarves back in like 2005!

I plan to make more. I've gotten used to the pattern, and found a new way to start it thanks to a wonderful Youtube video on "how to do a magic circle" (how fitting, don't you think?)

My first 3 or so were done as per the pattern, they are prototypes as I was learning the pattern. The lighter colored ones which ended up in line with the pattern's size description were done using the magic circle to start it technique.

My plan is to start selling them on Etsy at some point. I just don't know what or how to do that. I don't have a 'store' name, or know how to price such things, or even if they are good enough to sell. But here's a sneak peak at what they look like. I hope to include some shawls, and perhaps if I can master the pattern some larger bags.

Here's hoping to a start of something good.

I'm Still in Awe

I'm still somewhat amazed that to have received that award and that you all think of my ramblings worthy to be called a blog of substance.

There are days I post things on my blog and think should I have really done that. At times I feel bothersome and a nuisance posting my seemingly petty rantings.

But some one left a comment on my other blog that made me feel as though I was punched in the stomach. It hurt and that in itself shocked me. But it was enough to make me consider deleting my blogs. I began to think the she was right in what she said and that all I do is complain, complain, complain. Complaining is not my intent by any means. I intended my words in my blogs to be a way of expressing myself, my thoughts, my feelings.

I don't have a "BFF Jill" that I can call or visit and pour my heart to whenever I'm feeling down or scared or anything else. I can't go to my so called family either. They are of the mind that 'you made your bed, now lie in it' so to speak. I can remember all to well what it was like growing up as they sat by and watched as I endured growing up in an alcoholic home. Without so much as a 'hey why don't you spend the weekend or the night here', just to give me a break or some sort of sense of 'normalcy'. And of course the one person that I could have gone to and poured my heart out to at any time, has passed away. I can no longer sit at her knee and cry my eyes out while she strokes my hair and tells me it will all be okay.

I thank you all for thinking of my blog as one of substance, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your words of encouragement. I love you all!

May the Goddess shine blessings upon you all! )O(

Lammas Blessings

Wishing you all a blessed Lammas!

I came across this lovely picture doing a goggle search. It is called Lughnasadh by Nadi Spencer.

Blog Award-Thank You!!

Wow! Me, my blog? A blog with substance? I'm flattered and speechless. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Crystalrainbow!

Here are the rules:

Thank the blogger who awarded it to you. (check)

Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words. example: WRITE HEART PEOPLE LIVE HAPPY

Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

So let's see 5 words to sum up my blogging...hmmmm...that's kinda tough as I never really gave it much thought. Let's see... SEARCHING, HONEST, OPEN, LIFE, DISCOVERY

Now to pass it along to 10 others:

Kathy at The Life and Times of Jhem Terriac
Nellie at Working Spirituality
Kat at Antics of a Tameran Witch
Magaly at Pagan Culture
Dessa at Heartsease Hollow
Mxtodis123 at Moontides
(okay that's only 6 I know, but I don't always follow the rules. :D)

Struggling with My Thoughts and Tarot Cards Speak

I've been struggling lately with the whole should I stay or should I go. Whether I'm doing the right thing, or being selfish and self-centered. Am I throwing it all away? Is everything all in my head? It's such a difficult time I find myself in...I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place some days. I question whether leaving is the right thing to do for me, for the girls...if taking them one of these days out of the only home they've ever known is the right move...if by focusing on what I want or need makes me a selfish person.

Today I decided to consult my Tarot cards, as well as try out a few of those online Tarot readings. Out of about 6 different ones I did, one card came up almost every time. It was the Eight of Cups. Basically from everything I was able to read about the card, it's telling me it is time for a change. That it's time to move on, to get out, things in my situation will not change. That I know what I need to do and that I need do it.

I don't know where or how I will find the means to leave. I'm so afraid of leaving. I'm afraid of what he might do. I'm afraid that my youngest won't want to leave. I'm afraid that by leaving I'm being selfish. I'm afraid that I won't be able to make it out there. Then of course the other thing is where do I go if I did leave soon. And what if my youngest doesn't want to go to?

But, the cards were clear that leaving is what I must do.

A little background

For those that read here, I suppose a little background might be helpful especially if you haven't or don't read my other blog.

I've been married to a man for 20 years and we have 2 children together. Looking back now, I realize I was a mere child when we met and got married. I was 18 when we met, 19 when we married (two months before my 20th birthday). He was 36 when we married. He'd lived his life, traveled, worked, tried college, etc. Me...I was only dipping my toes in the water. I had only just started college, wasn't even sure what I wanted to study really.

At first he was sweet, caring, and charming. He was so, all through the dating. I come from an alcoholic home, and was living with a highly co-dependent mother. I just broken off an engagement a couple of months before I met him. We dated for all of 9 months before we got married. He pushed for it, was even insistent that I move in with him. I didn't, I wouldn't move in with him, but I relented on the getting married. I thought it was right at the time...he was very convincing and I was very naive and impressionable.

It wasn't long after we were married that he started to go back on all the promises he made before the "I dos". He would get angry if I didn't know how to do something. One night he wanted rice with dinner. All I knew how to make was Minute Rice. He got pissed because it wasn't "real rice" and how the hell did I not know how to make rice when it was so easy. I didn't know how to operate a washing machine that didn't take quarters another thing that pissed him off. And slowly over the years, the list grew.

Over the years he put me down, nothing I could ever do was good enough. Discouraged me from doing things I wanted to do after feigning support. Eventually alienated me from my family and any friends I had...to the point that the only people I knew were his friends and only family was his family. As we had the kids, he threatened that if I ever tried to leave, he would have me arrested for kidnapping and have me declared unfit and that I'd never see them again.

We recently had to file bankruptcy, and due to some collections against me, the lawyers advised taking me off until the bankruptcy was final. Well that happened months ago, and he's never put me back on the account so now he controls all the finances.

If I make a friend, he wants to know them and talk to them. He wants to know what we talk about. If I made a little money babysitting, he wants to know how much. He says any friends I have or make have to be his friends too. I'm not allowed to have a best friend he says, the only best friend I'm allowed to have is him.

I've known things were not right for a long time. I kept hoping things would get better. My grandma came to live with us and I thought that would change things. In the five years she was with us, he managed to manipulate her in to buying big ticket items he wanted (like the living room set we have). When she passed away 3 and 1/2 years ago, my world shattered. My rock was gone. A few months after is when I realized things with him weren't going to get better.

Eventually I stopped sleeping in the same room with him. We've not been together in almost 3 years. But I have to live in the same house. And now the same esteem tearing things he says to me, he's starting to inflict on the girls. One can only hear they are worthless, useless, stupid, lazy, etc for so long before they start to believe it.

A couple of years ago, I met someone. We live in separate states (2200 miles apart). We want to be together. He's saving to move, and I don't have the money to leave. All the while I have that voice in my head that he'll take the kids from me. And even when he does move closer, I don't know if I'll have the strength or the courage to leave. The man I'm married to hasn't ever gotten physically violent outside of slamming doors and banging or breaking things. But I just don't know anymore if it will stay that way. Leaving is hard when you've been with some one this long and there are kids involved.

And that my friends is the short version.

When the Darkness Tries to Consume You

What do you do when that happens? By darkness I mean the fear, in it's all consuming devouring ways. It swallows up and blocks out all the light and good. The fear has pushed me so far into it's depths I don't see a way out. I try to, but I can't see it.

I'm so afraid to leave him, but I'm afraid to stay too. He's civil now for the most part, and he's never gotten physical outside of slamming doors and banging things or breaking dishes. I have no where to go, and no money to do so. I have no friends or family I can turn to. If I left now, and tried to go to a shelter, I wouldn't get anything I leave behind back. I'm not willing to risk losing what's mine. I've done that once, lost everything...I can't go through that again.

I just sometimes wonder how long he can stay non-violent. We've been separated (sleeping in separate rooms) for about 3 years now. I just don't know how long he's going to stay that way. Often times I wonder if I make it all up in my head. I've been in a physically abusive relationship, you can see it, you can feel it. But when it's psychological/emotional abuse...it's a whole different ballgame.

Besides my girls, I have one good thing in my life right now. And yesterday I almost blew it. I've been shutting my good thing out and pushing him away, I almost lost him. He lives so far away, and the distance is taking its toll on me. Between the distance and having to live with Mr Dastardly upstairs, it's getting to be too much and it's so hard. But to lose my good thing would have been the worse thing possible, worse than if I lost everything I own.

But none of that answers the question of how do I get through the darkness and the fear? How do I not let it consume me?

Just some thoughts

I want to take a minute to thank all of you for your comments and thoughts, they mean a lot to me. Many days I feel so very alone that, no one understands or cares, after all I'm just some stranger posting in a blog. But so many of you have left kind heartfelt comments, it's on those days when after I've posted and read your replies that I don't feel so alone.

This blog only has a taste of what things are like living with this man, if you haven't read or if you care to know more about my situation you can find that on my main blog "The Forgotten Muse". It's here that I usually pour my heart out or rant depending on the situation.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on how I can make the money I need to pay for the divorce and help sustain me during and after the process. Working outside the home isn't an option for me at this time. So I've been trying to come up with ideas on how I can make the money. My friend suggested E-bay. But I don't have anything I can sell and I don't really have much to spare to invest in stuff to turn around and resell. I have some left over stock from when I was a scrapbook consultant. I will probably never use all that I have so I could sell some of that or try to. Much of what I do have are discontinued items and some times they can be highly sought after.

I can do simple crocheting like making scarves and possible shawls. I'd love to find some simple Tarot bag patterns and maybe make some of those and maybe shawls to sell on Etsy. I'm no where near proficient enough to make herbal blends or tinctures. And I don't have a wide variety of herbs growing yet either. Just some lavender, thyme, sage, lemon balm and catnip. There's got to be SOMETHING I can do....but what that is, I've got no freaking idea.

If only I could hit the lotto

I'd actually have to play the lotto to try to win the lotto, and I'm not really one to place my bets on something like that.

Actually I'd be happier if I could just find a way to make some money. I feel so helpless. I'm unemployed and there are no prospects around here that I haven't tried numerous times. And even if I did find something locally, I don't drive so that's an issue in and of itself I guess.

I need to find a way to come up with enough money to hire the lawyer (since it would be an alimony case...even tho I want nothing from him...she said it would run me about $4000). I need to find a way to come up with that, and then some so I can continue taking various courses in herbalism so that eventually I can have my own business.

I am not asking for much, I just want enough to get out of this mess and start my life over with my kids.

He's got me in a place where I'm totally dependent on him for everything financially. He's in denial that our marriage is over. He said he doesn't want a divorce and that I can't leave...at least until the youngest turns 18. I can't do that. I can't live like this until then. I think he thinks it will break me or I'll see things differently and that I'd want to stay. He doesn't understand that I don't love him, nor am I sure anymore that I actually ever did at least not in the way a married couple should. He's even threatened to have me arrested if I ever left with the kids and that he'd have me declared unfit even though he has no grounds for such a declaration.

At this point, I'm not sure how I'll manage to make money, but I'm thinking hard about it. The lawyer told me to stop looking at how I'm stuck, and start looking at how will I get out. So that's what I'm doing.

My New Tarot Deck

As I said in my previous post, I've been looking for a tarot deck. When I had my cards read a couple of weeks ago, Sherri told me I should get a deck and learn how to use them (you can read about my encounter here).

So like I said, I've been looking at a few decks finding it hard to chose. But I got over to Books-A-Million today, and was pleased to see they had some new stock in. I looked over the books and saw few titles I might be wanting in the future, but my mission today was to find a deck if at all possible. I found three decks that I'd looked at several times online. I sat down on the floor with them in front of me, looking at each one, holding them, looking them over again. I put the Gilded Tarot back on the shelf not that I didn't want it but I knew I could get it for less online (which I promptly order when I got home with shipping for under 12 bucks).

This left me pondering 2 decks. The Legacy of the Divine Tarot and the Mystic Dreamers Tarot. I repeated the process of looking over both, holding the boxes, and in the end decided on the Mystic Dreamer set. I think I've been drawn to this set for quite awhile, especially since on several occasions of being at the store I've looked at this deck and contemplated buying it. I will eventually get the Legacy deck I'm sure.

Now I get to learn the meanings and how to use my deck. I'm at a total loss here as I've never really done any sort of reading except a few times with my Path of the Soul deck.

All in all I think it was a good way to celebrate the full moon by finding my deck.

Bright Blessings!

Looking for a Tarot deck

So a couple of weeks ago, I attended the Alive! Expo. It was the first time I'd gotten to go, had been trying to go for like the last 5 years. But somethings are worth the wait. The expo itself was interesting with all the vendors promoting their healthy or eco-friendly wears. But to my surprise tucked away was a little Psychic expo. There was a little shop set up with some crystals and gem stones, jewelry and a few other odds and ends. They also had Tarot card readers. Each having a different specialty of sorts.

After much deliberation and inner battling and a final "go for it mom" from my wee one, I decided to get my cards read. I had 2 bad experiences in the past (about 20 yrs ago) where the lady who was doing the readings initially charged 20 bucks, and then as she was doing her reading proceeded to tell me things were getting unclear and in order for her to be able to 'clear it up' I "NEEDED" to give her 200 bucks. Now mind you this happened twice on 2 separate occasions months apart....but any way

Despite the negative experience, I went for it. I was asked who I wanted to do the reading and as I looked around them I was unsure until I looked eyes with Sheri. I knew she was the one to do it. So I booked my reading then wandered around for 20 minutes. Finally my turn came and I sat down with Sheri. First she had me shuffle the deck and while I did that, she did a mini birth reading for me based on my date of birth. It pegged me to the T...she knew me, what I was like, it was just WOW!

Then after that we got to the card reading itself. The first thing that impressed me was that she asked me no leading questions, not even what did I want to know. We let the cards speak, and speak they did. She saw things in the cards that no one knows. She was very good and spot on with everything.

The one thing she told me was I needed to get myself a Tarot deck and start learning to read the cards, and to practice a lot. What she didn't know was that I had been feeling like I needed to buy a deck and learn. So she just reaffirmed what I knew.

Now here's my dilemma... I don't know a thing about reading Tarot. I am not sure what deck to get...I do know though that I am not attracted in the least to the Rider-Waite deck. Ones that seem to appeal to me are the Druidcraft Deck, The Gilded Tarot, Pagan Tarot, Shadowscapes Tarot. I need one that will be easy to learn with, but I also know the deck has to call to me. I don't want to be too impulsive and pick one at random just to get a deck. I don't have a local metaphysical shop to go to and the Books-A-Million here only has a small selection. I've thought of buying online, but I don't know of any affordable good pagan sites. I checked out some that were suggested on my other blog, but I didn't see anything I liked or it was more than I could spend.

So that's only part of where I'm at right now...I'll save the rest for another post.

Comment problem fixed

Finally figured out the comment problem and fixed it. Hopefully it doesn't happen again. This is the second time it's happened...but anyway it's working for now.

Thanks Nellie for pointing it out.

I'm Still Here...

Greetings my blog friends. I'm still here, still struggling along. Not much has changed since my last post. I am taking a couple classes in herbalism. Fear set in, that I couldn't do it, and so I've been slacking. I hate to fail, and I hate being around people that like to use my failures against me and rub them in my face until I'm raw.

I'm still trying to write, I'm struggling with it. I look at the page and it takes all the energy I have to write just a few lines. And they aren't even good lines. I see the character(s), I have a vague idea of what I want to do with them, I just can't seem to make it happen. When I try to write, I feel like I'm writing a "Dick and Jane" version. Another thing is I feel like I have nothing original and new. And I don't know how to 'recycle' ideas that may have already been done to make them my own.

For example, I have a character named Declan. I see him as this Irish/Scottish guy, possible the head of the clan. But I love the "Highlander"...you know the one, Duncan McCloud (hunky hot sexy Andrian Paul...YUMMO!) Er...um...uh....so anyway....*blush* My Declan doesn't look like Duncan or anything, nor does he act like him per se, but I kinda would like him to be an immortal like Duncan. But not in the whole "there can be only one" sense.

I'm always so afraid of the whole you can't use that because it's been done before blah blah blah. Like another thing...I like the idea of the palantir or a Pensieve. But 1) I don't know if I can use the word and 2) I don't know if I'm allowed to use the concept. UGH! Should I just write my story with the concepts I want to use and alter them later if need be? I just don't know...

Student, Seeker, Searching for Me

So I have ordered and received my lessons from NAIMH. And I am working on the first lesson. Part of the assignment is to listen to 2 lectures and write a 1-2 page paper on them. I've been hesitant lol, I've not had to write a paper in about 20 years since I was a student at LaGuardia Community College. I'm nervous and scared about writing it. What if I can't write about how I could apply vitalism to my life? I also have to make 3 tinctures, which I'm honestly scared to make. I mean what if I add too much alcohol? Then what?

At the same time, I've been thinking alot about my path or lack thereof. In some ways I'm think I'm pagan, but then I think I'm Wiccan or a witch, then other times I am drawn to the Druid path. I feel so lost and confused sometimes...no all the time. I mean can one be a pagan and a druid, or a pagan and Wiccan? And then with Wicca there are so many paths, I don't know which if any are right for me. But I want a direction, I need a direction. I feel like sometimes I am wandering in the dark blindly. I feel like a liar if I say I'm a pagan or Wiccan because I don't feel like I have a true path to walk towards.

And then we come to who am I? For so long in my life, I have lived to be what someone else thought I should be and thought how they felt I should think, that I don't know how I am anymore. I was for lack of a better word forbidden to have my own beliefs or opinions. If they didn't fit into this person's view of how things are to be, I was heavily discouraged from following my heart and mind. It still holds true even now as I still have to live under this person's roof. If I express myself over concerns about the environment or the foods we eat, I'm being silly and overreacting. I'm being too extreme if I say I want my girls to eat a more organic diet and foods free of GMOs. It doesn't matter what it is that might strike a cord in me, if it doesn't suit "HIM" then I'm discouraged from taking an interest in it. Basically if it doesn't fit into his world it's not allowed.

Sure he may indulge for a short time if he thinks it's just a passing phase. But if it exceeds his "time frame" of how long I should be interested or if in his mind it takes away from attention on him, it becomes unnecessary and he calls it an obsession. He did this when I was involved with scrap booking and had a home based business, he did this when I was an avid reader, even when I was involved with my daughters in Girl Scouts.

Okay, that part really should be for another post. But suffice it to say, I have lost my identity. I don't know how I am, or what I'm supposed to be "when I grow up". I want to find myself again, I want to be free.

A journey begins...well soon

Okay, so I "got permission" so to speak to order one of the courses I will be taking. I ordered the beginner course from Naimh.com. It will hopefully be here in a few days, I hope. In a couple of weeks, I hope to be able to order a course from Sagemountain.com.

I'm excited to finally be starting what I've put off for so long. But at the same time, I'm scared that I won't follow through with it. Whether it's because he'll put me down, or he'll start talking negative, or if I just get frustrated. I'm afraid I'm going to fail.

We shall see...

I should call this the forgotten blog.

I don't know, it's not that I can easily forget it. It is up on my dashboard staring at me all the time, it's more like I don't know what to do with it. I was originally going to try and separate out one for things about me trying to write and the other just about me and my thoughts. But, it seems that's more or less what my main blog has turned into...my thoughts, fears, feelings, etc. Oh I do include my struggles with writing which mostly consist of "I have writer's block." or "My Muse still won't speak to me." I'm sure my readers get tired of hearing that after awhile :D

Well let's see um, I want to take classes to work towards becoming a Master Herbalist and Holistic Practitioner. The only thing well the main thing holding me back is money. I don't know how in the world I can pay for it. The distance learning program I'm looking at doesn't take financial aide. They do offer a payment plan, but again having to come up with the down payment and the monthly payments I don't know how I'll do it. I don't even know where or how to look for grants that aren't scams. My not soon enough for me to be ex has offered to pay for it, or well more like let me use part of a tax refund if we should get one towards it then he offered to make the remaining payments. I am extremely hesitant to do this. Simply because he'd take it as a "sign" that things with us are "okay".

I don't know how to make it any clearer that we're over. We've been separated for over 2 years now. Yes we live in the same house, but separate rooms and all that. I've even on more than one occasion told him we're done, over, and that I want out. The one time he told me I could stay until I decided what I wanted to do and where I wanted to live. Unfortunately for me, I haven't been able to find a job, my credit is shot to hell, so getting my own place and paying for it is kind of not possible right now. So...I'm stuck living here for the time being to endure his verbal abuses and snide remarks, to endure his subtle suggestions to come back to his room. Damn the guy is dense!

Another reason I don't want him paying for my courses is that he's already seeing dollar signs. I mean I'm not even registered anywhere yet, no courses, nothing and he's already planning what I'm going to do with my certificate/degree if I should get it. Hell he's even gone so far as to take me to a new business development area to show me a great place to open a shop and started spewing stuff about an SBA loan to help me start up. I mean damn FFS get a clue and wake up.

But that's kinda where I am right now. Just trying to figure stuff out. I more or less know what I want, I just don't know how to get it. I know I'm not where I need to be or am supposed to be. Every part of me cries for a new place...I feel like I'm supposed to be in the northeast or northwest coastal area somewhere. My soul cries for the UK, but that's not in the cards right now.

I just wanted to let people know I didn't forget this blog, I just don't know what I want to do with it yet. And I've just been trying to figure crap out with my life.