Update of sorts

I know I don't post here often, my apologies. I tend to do most of my postings on my main blog. But for those of you that follow here, I just wanted it known I'm still around and haven't forgotten this blog.

A week ago I had my 40th birthday, and I'm still in denial that I'm 40. Some days the mere mention of the number makes me feel damn old. I know, I know 40 isn't old. But the number, coupled with days where I feel like my life is a total failure, that I've accomplished nothing and continue to go nowhere, just makes me feel old. Or maybe it's just a feeling of defeat?

So there was that, then the weather was very rainy for Halloween. So we got all of about 2 or 3 trick-or-treaters and that was it.

November 1st would have been my grandma's 89th birthday. She passed away almost 3 years ago, on Thanksgiving Day 2006 to be exact. I miss her terribly. She was my rock, my go to person, she practically raised me from when I was 3 weeks old. She loved me unconditionally and was always there for me. It feels like an empty whole has been left in my life. I know she's in a better place, one without pain and sickness. After 15 years in remission and a mastectomy, the breast cancer returned with a vengeance and wracked her body with pain and spread so fast that by the time it was discovered that it had returned, she was given at best 3 months. I got a week, half of which she was just a shell of the person she once was and so weak and in such pain. I felt helpless.

And now I'm going through a really difficult time in my life, and some days I feel so alone.

Also, November is NaNoWriMo. Once again I am attempting to write 50,000 words in 30 days. I'm only at 577 of what I'm calling pure crap. I don't know what to do. My muse is silent, I can't see my story or hear my characters. I just don't know what to do.

That's about it for now. Until next time...