How About An Update? Yes?

I know it's been a long while again since I've posted here. I really don't quite know what I wish to do with this blog. Part of me wants to keep it and part of me wants to merge it with my main blog.

I feel like I am stuck at a crossroads with what path to follow. There's that part of me that is strongly drawn to the Avalon path. I was hoping to read "Avalon Within" by Jhenah Telyndru. A while back, I actually won a copy of the book. I was thrilled and excited. I couldn't wait to get it in my hands and read it. BUT then...I never received it! I contacted the sender who explained what happened and told it would be sent. And....still didn't get it. I've tried a few more times to contact the person, but I guess the emails got lost. So I don't know what ever happened to it. It makes me sad because I really want to read this and I can't afford to go buy a copy. So when I won it, I thought it was a clear sign that the Universe had spoken and said YES! This what you need to seek.
Then I'm still greatly drawn to Druidism. As well as being a Green/Hedge Witch. I'm more drawn to following the Goddess than a God, but I know one cannot exist without the other at least in my opinion. It could be too that my aversion to following a god is just due to my years in Christianity, where god rules and controls everything...the it's a man's world mentality and I should be the silent and submissive woman. And honestly I don't know how to just sit quiet and meditate on this. It would be really nice if I could find a way to blend it all.

So moving right along....It's now been 9 months since I moved 2200 miles to follow my heart. Slowly I've been rebuilding myself, healing, reconnecting with my Beloved (and things are going well with us), and learning what it's like to be accepted and a sense of belonging. I miss my girls terribly, and I wish they had chosen to come too. But it is what it is, for now. And maybe one day, my girls will decide to join me. The only thing left to do is file for a divorce which I am researching but I don't know how easy it's going to be and I still need to have money to do it. And also to figure if and how to get the things that I left behind.

Still things to think about and do, but everything in time. But I'm in a better place than I was a year ago spiritually, emotionally.

Long Time Since I Written...

I do apologize for not having kept this updated as I would have liked to. I felt like I was falling apart at the seams. Everything I thought about writing seemed like mindless drivel.

My fears were getting the best of me. Then my world fell apart in mid February. It was then I decided that I had to do something. And I did. I made the decision to follow my heart and do for me what I needed to do. So I decided to leave my marriage to a man I could no longer be with.

I was offered a place to stay with my Beloved's family. My one and only friend where I was living offered to help me leave by driving me to ship what I could afford to and take me to the airport. I was able to purchase my ticket for a really low price. I was lucky to buy it when I did, since few days later the prices went up and stayed high. Once the ticket was bought...it was just the matter of waiting until the day. AND finding the courage to tell him I was leaving.

I told him 2 days before that I was leaving to stay with friends to figure things out. I left nothing to chance having to deal with him that day. Finally departure day arrived and before I knew it, my belongs were left at the shipping office and I was on my way to the airport. My flights were on time, actually ahead of schedule even. They were smoother than I could have expected.

So it's been a month now that I left. That I moved 2200 miles to follow my heart. Slowly I am starting to relax and unwind, learning to be myself. No longer do I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I feel like I can breathe again.

As to my path....well I am feeling somewhat lost. I don't know what to believe or follow. At some point I felt let down again by deities. Maybe I am trying or was trying too hard to define a path and label it. Maybe I'm just to go with the flow right now and just connect with nature.

I don't know. I mean here I am, a city girl who is now living smack dab in the middle of farm country. As far as I can see out both front and back are fields of various greens growing. I can see cows, and horses, and goats. (No we don't have any of those here but the surrounding neighbors do.) I wake up to the sunrising and to the sound of chickens. I can watch the sunset every day, sometimes with the most spectacular colors. I am finally able to be with my furbaby and My Beloved. I've been given permission to have a small herb garden (I do want more herbs but it's a bit late now to find what I want) and we have a vegetable garden, smaller than what we want but it will do for this year. And the garden area is SO HUGE! I would have a field day next season. Oddly I feel like I am in my element.

So this is where I'm supposed to be, in a place of reconnection. Where I can be with my Beloved. Where I can see the sunrise and sunset. Where I can see the stars and the moon clear than I have in years. All I can do is take it all one day, one step at a time.

Last post of the year

I just realized that my last post is also my 40th post on the this blog. I had really hoped I'd have done more with it. But when I'm struggling to find my way and all the dogma of my previous belief system screaming in my head....well yeah.

I think my Word for the year is going to be: FREEDOM.

I made a list of words and that was the first word I wrote, and when ever I think about my list, it's the first word that comes to mind. I think it's appropriate as I am seeking Freedom from an over possessive and controlling spouse that I no longer wish to be with. Seeking Freedom in my spiritual life, to find my path and my Goddess. Seeking Freedom to create more in art and writing.

The other words I think support this word, they all kind of go together.

I wish you all the most wonderful things in the New Year and may it be filled with Bright Blessings.

Yule Blessings

My wish for all of you this Yule season and through the coming year is summed up in that statement.

I had the opportunity to view the eclipse last night and I must say it was beautiful and spectacular. A few clouds rolled in and I thought it would spoil it but they passed over and didn't move back in until the Moon was in full eclipse. The energy from the Moon was very strong and empowering.

Warm wishes on this Winter Solstice and the Brightest of Yule Blessings upon you all.

Still here

I'm still around, I just haven't felt much like posting. Well I've wanted to, but I felt like it wasn't worth the effort, that it was meaningless, sometimes I felt like it made no sense. I just can't seem to focus, I'm feeling down, and wish I was anywhere but where I am right now.

I want to study, but I don't know what direction to take. I don't have the recommended books and can't get them from my library. And then, I feel so weighted down with all that holy roller christianity stuff that has been drummed into me, it's hard to break free of the mentality that one will burn in hell for not following the church's prescribed methods. I know that organized religion isn't for me. But the 'brainwashing' they impose doesn't shed easily.

I've been feeling down...missing my grandma and my dad. They both passed on the holidays, grandma Thanksgiving 2006 and my dad Christmas Eve 1994. I know they wouldn't want me to be sad, but it's hard not to be. Especially when you would rather be somewhere else, with someone else. My only hope is that this time next year, I will be in a better place.

Hopefully after the holidays pass, I can get back to some sort of normal posting and back to my bunny trails as I seek the Goddess.

Samhain Blessings

Wishing you all a Happy Halloween and a Blessed Samhain.
May the coming year bring you good health, lots of love and joy, peace and prosperity, and maybe your days be full of magick.

Kitty's Strange Behavior

Last week there was a fire in the woods behind the house. The fire dept seemed to think it may have been started intentionally, but too hard to tell. But we had to deal with it flaring up for about 3 days. I think it's finally burned itself out. Friday was the first day that they didn't have to come out.

Well on Friday evening, I went out on the hill to check on any additional damage that may have occurred on my hill and to see if there was any hot spots on the other side of the fence line. I was only up there a few minutes when our cat came bounding up the hill through the pines and sat at my feet meowing at me. I got the feeling he was telling me to go back so I said we would. Normally he would run off in front of me, but not this time. He sat at my feet until I started to head back the way I came. Then he started to follow behind me, meowing up at me occasionally. I stopped for a second and told him to go ahead and he still wouldn't pass me. He stayed behind me the entire time to make sure I did in fact go back down the hill.

Now this is something I've never seen him do before. He wouldn't even come out of the yard when I brought his food out. I think he thought I was trying to trick him. That if I fed him, I'd go back up while he was eating. I had to assure him several times I wouldn't go back before he came to eat finally.

Then on Saturday, we heard some fire trucks and he came running over to me and sat on the stairs meowing at me the entire time. I had to keep telling him I wasn't going to go up there. He wouldn't settle down until I went back in the house.

I don't know what to make of this behavior. I've never seen him like that before.