Long Time Since I Written...

I do apologize for not having kept this updated as I would have liked to. I felt like I was falling apart at the seams. Everything I thought about writing seemed like mindless drivel.

My fears were getting the best of me. Then my world fell apart in mid February. It was then I decided that I had to do something. And I did. I made the decision to follow my heart and do for me what I needed to do. So I decided to leave my marriage to a man I could no longer be with.

I was offered a place to stay with my Beloved's family. My one and only friend where I was living offered to help me leave by driving me to ship what I could afford to and take me to the airport. I was able to purchase my ticket for a really low price. I was lucky to buy it when I did, since few days later the prices went up and stayed high. Once the ticket was bought...it was just the matter of waiting until the day. AND finding the courage to tell him I was leaving.

I told him 2 days before that I was leaving to stay with friends to figure things out. I left nothing to chance having to deal with him that day. Finally departure day arrived and before I knew it, my belongs were left at the shipping office and I was on my way to the airport. My flights were on time, actually ahead of schedule even. They were smoother than I could have expected.

So it's been a month now that I left. That I moved 2200 miles to follow my heart. Slowly I am starting to relax and unwind, learning to be myself. No longer do I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I feel like I can breathe again.

As to my path....well I am feeling somewhat lost. I don't know what to believe or follow. At some point I felt let down again by deities. Maybe I am trying or was trying too hard to define a path and label it. Maybe I'm just to go with the flow right now and just connect with nature.

I don't know. I mean here I am, a city girl who is now living smack dab in the middle of farm country. As far as I can see out both front and back are fields of various greens growing. I can see cows, and horses, and goats. (No we don't have any of those here but the surrounding neighbors do.) I wake up to the sunrising and to the sound of chickens. I can watch the sunset every day, sometimes with the most spectacular colors. I am finally able to be with my furbaby and My Beloved. I've been given permission to have a small herb garden (I do want more herbs but it's a bit late now to find what I want) and we have a vegetable garden, smaller than what we want but it will do for this year. And the garden area is SO HUGE! I would have a field day next season. Oddly I feel like I am in my element.

So this is where I'm supposed to be, in a place of reconnection. Where I can be with my Beloved. Where I can see the sunrise and sunset. Where I can see the stars and the moon clear than I have in years. All I can do is take it all one day, one step at a time.

Last post of the year

I just realized that my last post is also my 40th post on the this blog. I had really hoped I'd have done more with it. But when I'm struggling to find my way and all the dogma of my previous belief system screaming in my head....well yeah.

I think my Word for the year is going to be: FREEDOM.

I made a list of words and that was the first word I wrote, and when ever I think about my list, it's the first word that comes to mind. I think it's appropriate as I am seeking Freedom from an over possessive and controlling spouse that I no longer wish to be with. Seeking Freedom in my spiritual life, to find my path and my Goddess. Seeking Freedom to create more in art and writing.

The other words I think support this word, they all kind of go together.

I wish you all the most wonderful things in the New Year and may it be filled with Bright Blessings.

Yule Blessings

My wish for all of you this Yule season and through the coming year is summed up in that statement.

I had the opportunity to view the eclipse last night and I must say it was beautiful and spectacular. A few clouds rolled in and I thought it would spoil it but they passed over and didn't move back in until the Moon was in full eclipse. The energy from the Moon was very strong and empowering.

Warm wishes on this Winter Solstice and the Brightest of Yule Blessings upon you all.

Still here

I'm still around, I just haven't felt much like posting. Well I've wanted to, but I felt like it wasn't worth the effort, that it was meaningless, sometimes I felt like it made no sense. I just can't seem to focus, I'm feeling down, and wish I was anywhere but where I am right now.

I want to study, but I don't know what direction to take. I don't have the recommended books and can't get them from my library. And then, I feel so weighted down with all that holy roller christianity stuff that has been drummed into me, it's hard to break free of the mentality that one will burn in hell for not following the church's prescribed methods. I know that organized religion isn't for me. But the 'brainwashing' they impose doesn't shed easily.

I've been feeling down...missing my grandma and my dad. They both passed on the holidays, grandma Thanksgiving 2006 and my dad Christmas Eve 1994. I know they wouldn't want me to be sad, but it's hard not to be. Especially when you would rather be somewhere else, with someone else. My only hope is that this time next year, I will be in a better place.

Hopefully after the holidays pass, I can get back to some sort of normal posting and back to my bunny trails as I seek the Goddess.

Samhain Blessings

Wishing you all a Happy Halloween and a Blessed Samhain.
May the coming year bring you good health, lots of love and joy, peace and prosperity, and maybe your days be full of magick.

Kitty's Strange Behavior

Last week there was a fire in the woods behind the house. The fire dept seemed to think it may have been started intentionally, but too hard to tell. But we had to deal with it flaring up for about 3 days. I think it's finally burned itself out. Friday was the first day that they didn't have to come out.

Well on Friday evening, I went out on the hill to check on any additional damage that may have occurred on my hill and to see if there was any hot spots on the other side of the fence line. I was only up there a few minutes when our cat came bounding up the hill through the pines and sat at my feet meowing at me. I got the feeling he was telling me to go back so I said we would. Normally he would run off in front of me, but not this time. He sat at my feet until I started to head back the way I came. Then he started to follow behind me, meowing up at me occasionally. I stopped for a second and told him to go ahead and he still wouldn't pass me. He stayed behind me the entire time to make sure I did in fact go back down the hill.

Now this is something I've never seen him do before. He wouldn't even come out of the yard when I brought his food out. I think he thought I was trying to trick him. That if I fed him, I'd go back up while he was eating. I had to assure him several times I wouldn't go back before he came to eat finally.

Then on Saturday, we heard some fire trucks and he came running over to me and sat on the stairs meowing at me the entire time. I had to keep telling him I wasn't going to go up there. He wouldn't settle down until I went back in the house.

I don't know what to make of this behavior. I've never seen him like that before.

Wild Fires

Scary days the last 2 they are/were. Behind the house is a stretch of woods, preserve land they say. It's just past the property line and goes up to the Middle/High school near us. There's a nature trail on it that the school uses mostly in the spring.

Well Tuesday afternoon there was smoke only a few yards off from our property line and the next thing I knew, fire trucks pulled up and the men dashed off into the woods with fire extinguishers. There were at least 2 spots far as we could tell that were burning. The spent about 2 hours up there putting them out.

This afternoon (Wednesday) my older girl comes running down to me "Momma we have a fire on the hill!" I thought she meant up top near the original area, but NO!...I opened my back door and there's flames on my hill!! Our hill is held up by a 4 foot high railroad tie retaining wall....the flames were about 2 maybe 3 feet from the edge. The line of flames ran about a good 6 feet across the hill. I heard the fire trucks pulling up before I could even get the words out of my mouth. I literally didn't know what to do next. I didn't know what the flames would do next.

I dashed upstairs and out the front door and ran up to the fire chief's truck and told him we had a fire in the yard. He thought I meant up top, but by the panic in my voice and on my face after telling him NO it's right at the bottom behind the house! He sent men back there immediately.

They spent about 2 hours spraying our hill from one end to the other and back again. I have less than 1/3 acre so it's not very big back there, but they soaked and soaked that hill best they could. The original spots up in the woods also flared up, so they did what they could with it and then had the forestry people come in a dig a break between our property line and the fire.

They told me it was most likely deliberately set by some teens, maybe they were smoking up there. That it would smoke for a couple more days. Imagine my surprise when my neighbor knocked on my door to say she saw flames in the woods again!! We went outside and sure enough the darn thing is flaring up. So out came the firemen again. They assured us it wouldn't jump the break. It has to burn itself out they said, since the fire is now inside a fallen hallowed out/rotten tree. So its burning from the inside out and they can't stop it. They also told us that most of the state is under a Red Flag Warning.

I think the thing that struck me most was when one of them told me "Fire is a living thing. And it's feeding on whatever it can to stay alive and spread." I never thought of fire as living. But it needs oxygen just like we do, and it needs fuel (food) to survive. So I suppose he's right. But it struck a cord with me, and I feel like it his words have a deeper meaning that I just can't put my finger on.

But tomorrow is going to be a windy day, and we're still under the warning for at least the next 2 days with no rain in site.

The one fireman told me a good bit at the top of the hill was burned but from the ground I can't see up there too many pines in the way. I'll have to walk up the hill in the morning and check on my apple tree and pear tree, as well as to see just how much has been damaged up there. Seeing the flames has me scared to bits. This city girl doesn't do wild fires very well.