Odd dreams

Before waking this morning I was having the oddest dream. It seemed like every time I woke up and fell back to sleep, I'd end up back in the same dream just picking up where it left off.

What I remember of it was that we (the not soon enough to be Ex) and I were driving near a cemetery that seemed like it was being torn up. Headstones were toppled and broken, the ground was turned up with piles of dirt and tree branches everywhere. As I looked around, my heart was breaking to see such destruction of a hallowed place, but I was getting the sense they were the graves of children for some reason. I kept seeing tiny heads in the piles of dirt thinking they were children's skulls only to realize they were the heads off the small angelic statues. I was pleading with him to drive and tread as carefully as possible to not disturb the dead and to try and not crush anything. For whatever reason, we had to drive over this to get back to the road.

Once back on the road, we pulled over. I got out and went over to a knocked down willow tree. I kept thinking about wanting/needing a wand made of willow. Again my heart was aching for this tree that was clearly deliberately destroyed, fingering it's branches as it lay there in a heap of brokenness in a mound of dirt and other dead branches. But the leaves were still so vibrantly green, it felt like it still had life in it. I could not bring myself to take a branch off the tree itself and kept looking around for one that may have already been shed, but couldn't find any. It felt like the tree was telling me to take the branch I was holding in my hand but I had no way to remove it and didn't want to just break it off.

I woke up again at some point and as I was falling back into this dream, I heard the number 6 repeated verbally several times, if I think hard it was about 5 times that the number was said. What the hell do 6s and willow trees and cemeteries have to do with anything?

The dream did remind me how when I was little and we'd go to the cemetery my maternal grandfather is buried at, I'd would wander around the near by graves and marvel at how young some of the dead were. Many were infants or children no older than I was at the time. I couldn't understand how they could have died so young, and there were so so many. Including my uncle who died at about 6 months old or so.

The dream just leaves me wondering what does it mean if anything. I've had trouble remembering any of my dreams as of late again. I keep a notebook by my bed, but as soon as my eyes open there's nothing to remember. So when I do remember something, I wonder if there's any meaning to it all.

Keeping Busy

In trying to keep my mind off the negative stuff in my life, I'm going to try keeping myself busy. I've gone and signed up for 2 free workshop/classes online. One is a creative writing one, the other is an art one. Along with wanting to focus on my herbal lessons, get the Etsy store off the ground, and hopefully prep for NaNoWriMo...with some continued Goddess research for good measure.

Hopefully I'll be able to track down some inexpensive used copies of the books on Druidry I'm after. I did manage to find 2 books on Britain by A. L. Rowse and 1 book called "The Celts". They were at the Goodwill for just a couple dollars a piece. Too good of a deal to pass up.

So the goal this week is to finish setting up a work area in my little room. Get my laptop set up for NaNoWriMo along with my notebooks that I use. Continue to go through things that I don't need anymore, by the time I'm done I should have about 2 bags of clothing for the Goodwill tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be feeling up to going out to drop them off and pick up some supplies for the art course.

After the Storm

I love storms and the sound of thunder, but I can live without the lightening we sometimes get. But in the end a sight like this is always worth it.

You can't see it here, but there was actually 3 rainbows. I thought it was my eyes playing tricks until my young one cried out "OMG there's three of them!" Just under the main bright rainbow is the third one but the colors going in the opposite order.

Oddly enough, cannot find one darn thing online about what rainbows mean in Pagan terms. I can find christian terms till they come outta my ears, but none for Pagan. I must be looking in the wrong places.

Mabon Blessings

Today I'd like to wish all of you a Very Blessed Mabon. To my understanding, a time of thanksgiving.

I am thankful for all of you that follow my wee little blog and am I thankful for those of you that are becoming friends. I am thankful to the Goddess for rescuing me and helping me find my way. I am thankful for my daughters. I am thankful for my beloved.

May the Goddess shine down blessings on you all.

Goddess Aspects, How Do You Know?

I've spent the better part of the late afternoon and evening...well at this point night, looking up a few of the Goddesses I am interested in or drawn to. My personal library has zero resources I can pull from, and the public library system well they leave much to be desired. So I turn to the web in its vast array and wealth of information. But my gods I've never hit so many brick walls like I did today. Not just on information on a Goddess but even finding out what aspect she might be.

I tried different ways of Google searches and no matter what I did or how I searched I almost always got the same results. Then, after say looking at page 3 of said results, most of the stuff was just cut and paste from another site I just looked at in the last few clicks. Talk about frustrating!

So how do you know or figure out what aspect a Goddess might be? How do I know if she is a Maiden, Mother, or Crone aspect?

For instance, Airmid. I could find an assortment of information on her and that she's a Goddess of healing. How when her brother died 365 herbs grew on his grave. But no where could I find what aspect she would be. Or Rhiannon, I found a lot of information on her, but nothing again as to her aspect. Cerridwen however was clearly stated she was the Crone aspect. Most sites said the same about Morrigan.

Is it that the information isn't out there? Was I looking in the wrong places and using the wrong key words for my searches? Or do not all Goddesses correspond to one of the aspects?

I primarily (for now) am focusing on Airmid, Rhiannon, Morrigan and Cerridwen. Anyone know of a good source online that doesn't have the same one line of info that's been rehashed on every other website?

I Will Never Forget

Nine years ago today, the worst thing I had ever witnessed in my life occurred. Planes struck the Twin Towers, one plane crashed in Pennsylvania. I still cannot put into words the emotions and thoughts I had that day.

I will never forget. Never will I forget the tragedy that struck, the lives that were lost, the damage that was done. Never will I forget that I had planned to be there at the Towers that day with my two girls. Never will I be so grateful for my daughter having gotten a bad nose bleed the night before that kept us up most of the night for fear of it starting up again.

If it wasn't for that, we would have been getting up to leave at that time and quite possibly we could have been there when they started to fall.

I will never forget the eerie silence when all the planes were grounded. Nor will I forget the sight of seeing fighter jets flying over my old neighborhood as they circled around the air space of Ground Zero.

That fateful day is forever etched in my mind and heart. I often wonder, why she got that nose bleed. Why were we kept from going there that day? I may never know the answer to why, but I am grateful that we are here today.

NEVER FORGET!

Crossroads

I feel as though I am at a crossroads. In fact I know I am. Not just in my life, but on my path.

In life it's a where do I go from here. What's next for me? Do I stay in Georgia or move out of state? Do I start an Etsy shop or not? If I do, what do I name it?

Then there's my path. What is it? How do I go down it? Which road do I take? I feel called to Druidry. But I also feel called to the Avalon path. Or yes I know I can combine the two, that's another option.

Where do I learn from? So many choices. And with limited funds sometimes, most times seems impossible that it will ever happen. Or books, there's a couple I want/need to read, study, learn from. But my library system either A) doesn't have it or B) it's out on loan or missing. Hmmm....no surprise on the missing here in the bible belt. So I looked into buying used. Great, right? I found really good prices on Alibris...8 books in very good to new condition for just under $22.00...FANTASTIC!...Woah...not so fast...the shipping cost more than the books combined. So my bargain shopping would cost me almost $50.00. So scratch that idea.

Next is which God/dess do I look up to? Who do I choose or more like who will choose me? I've had the dreams, still waiting for answers. On the one hand Rhiannon seems like a natural fit based off what I've researched. But Hekate has been cropping up everywhere on me. Blogs, Yahoo groups, etc. And I come to find out she is Goddess of the Crossroads. Could she be hinted at in one of my dreams? I don't know. Plus she's of a whole different pantheon than what I feel drawn to.

All these different roads, all these different choices....leaves me finding it very difficult to breathe or think. I'm so tired of making the wrong choices, or choosing what some one else thinks I should. I just don't want to fail.


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