Just some thoughts

I want to take a minute to thank all of you for your comments and thoughts, they mean a lot to me. Many days I feel so very alone that, no one understands or cares, after all I'm just some stranger posting in a blog. But so many of you have left kind heartfelt comments, it's on those days when after I've posted and read your replies that I don't feel so alone.

This blog only has a taste of what things are like living with this man, if you haven't read or if you care to know more about my situation you can find that on my main blog "The Forgotten Muse". It's here that I usually pour my heart out or rant depending on the situation.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on how I can make the money I need to pay for the divorce and help sustain me during and after the process. Working outside the home isn't an option for me at this time. So I've been trying to come up with ideas on how I can make the money. My friend suggested E-bay. But I don't have anything I can sell and I don't really have much to spare to invest in stuff to turn around and resell. I have some left over stock from when I was a scrapbook consultant. I will probably never use all that I have so I could sell some of that or try to. Much of what I do have are discontinued items and some times they can be highly sought after.

I can do simple crocheting like making scarves and possible shawls. I'd love to find some simple Tarot bag patterns and maybe make some of those and maybe shawls to sell on Etsy. I'm no where near proficient enough to make herbal blends or tinctures. And I don't have a wide variety of herbs growing yet either. Just some lavender, thyme, sage, lemon balm and catnip. There's got to be SOMETHING I can do....but what that is, I've got no freaking idea.

If only I could hit the lotto

I'd actually have to play the lotto to try to win the lotto, and I'm not really one to place my bets on something like that.

Actually I'd be happier if I could just find a way to make some money. I feel so helpless. I'm unemployed and there are no prospects around here that I haven't tried numerous times. And even if I did find something locally, I don't drive so that's an issue in and of itself I guess.

I need to find a way to come up with enough money to hire the lawyer (since it would be an alimony case...even tho I want nothing from him...she said it would run me about $4000). I need to find a way to come up with that, and then some so I can continue taking various courses in herbalism so that eventually I can have my own business.

I am not asking for much, I just want enough to get out of this mess and start my life over with my kids.

He's got me in a place where I'm totally dependent on him for everything financially. He's in denial that our marriage is over. He said he doesn't want a divorce and that I can't leave...at least until the youngest turns 18. I can't do that. I can't live like this until then. I think he thinks it will break me or I'll see things differently and that I'd want to stay. He doesn't understand that I don't love him, nor am I sure anymore that I actually ever did at least not in the way a married couple should. He's even threatened to have me arrested if I ever left with the kids and that he'd have me declared unfit even though he has no grounds for such a declaration.

At this point, I'm not sure how I'll manage to make money, but I'm thinking hard about it. The lawyer told me to stop looking at how I'm stuck, and start looking at how will I get out. So that's what I'm doing.

My New Tarot Deck

As I said in my previous post, I've been looking for a tarot deck. When I had my cards read a couple of weeks ago, Sherri told me I should get a deck and learn how to use them (you can read about my encounter here).

So like I said, I've been looking at a few decks finding it hard to chose. But I got over to Books-A-Million today, and was pleased to see they had some new stock in. I looked over the books and saw few titles I might be wanting in the future, but my mission today was to find a deck if at all possible. I found three decks that I'd looked at several times online. I sat down on the floor with them in front of me, looking at each one, holding them, looking them over again. I put the Gilded Tarot back on the shelf not that I didn't want it but I knew I could get it for less online (which I promptly order when I got home with shipping for under 12 bucks).

This left me pondering 2 decks. The Legacy of the Divine Tarot and the Mystic Dreamers Tarot. I repeated the process of looking over both, holding the boxes, and in the end decided on the Mystic Dreamer set. I think I've been drawn to this set for quite awhile, especially since on several occasions of being at the store I've looked at this deck and contemplated buying it. I will eventually get the Legacy deck I'm sure.

Now I get to learn the meanings and how to use my deck. I'm at a total loss here as I've never really done any sort of reading except a few times with my Path of the Soul deck.

All in all I think it was a good way to celebrate the full moon by finding my deck.

Bright Blessings!

Looking for a Tarot deck

So a couple of weeks ago, I attended the Alive! Expo. It was the first time I'd gotten to go, had been trying to go for like the last 5 years. But somethings are worth the wait. The expo itself was interesting with all the vendors promoting their healthy or eco-friendly wears. But to my surprise tucked away was a little Psychic expo. There was a little shop set up with some crystals and gem stones, jewelry and a few other odds and ends. They also had Tarot card readers. Each having a different specialty of sorts.

After much deliberation and inner battling and a final "go for it mom" from my wee one, I decided to get my cards read. I had 2 bad experiences in the past (about 20 yrs ago) where the lady who was doing the readings initially charged 20 bucks, and then as she was doing her reading proceeded to tell me things were getting unclear and in order for her to be able to 'clear it up' I "NEEDED" to give her 200 bucks. Now mind you this happened twice on 2 separate occasions months apart....but any way

Despite the negative experience, I went for it. I was asked who I wanted to do the reading and as I looked around them I was unsure until I looked eyes with Sheri. I knew she was the one to do it. So I booked my reading then wandered around for 20 minutes. Finally my turn came and I sat down with Sheri. First she had me shuffle the deck and while I did that, she did a mini birth reading for me based on my date of birth. It pegged me to the T...she knew me, what I was like, it was just WOW!

Then after that we got to the card reading itself. The first thing that impressed me was that she asked me no leading questions, not even what did I want to know. We let the cards speak, and speak they did. She saw things in the cards that no one knows. She was very good and spot on with everything.

The one thing she told me was I needed to get myself a Tarot deck and start learning to read the cards, and to practice a lot. What she didn't know was that I had been feeling like I needed to buy a deck and learn. So she just reaffirmed what I knew.

Now here's my dilemma... I don't know a thing about reading Tarot. I am not sure what deck to get...I do know though that I am not attracted in the least to the Rider-Waite deck. Ones that seem to appeal to me are the Druidcraft Deck, The Gilded Tarot, Pagan Tarot, Shadowscapes Tarot. I need one that will be easy to learn with, but I also know the deck has to call to me. I don't want to be too impulsive and pick one at random just to get a deck. I don't have a local metaphysical shop to go to and the Books-A-Million here only has a small selection. I've thought of buying online, but I don't know of any affordable good pagan sites. I checked out some that were suggested on my other blog, but I didn't see anything I liked or it was more than I could spend.

So that's only part of where I'm at right now...I'll save the rest for another post.

Comment problem fixed

Finally figured out the comment problem and fixed it. Hopefully it doesn't happen again. This is the second time it's happened...but anyway it's working for now.

Thanks Nellie for pointing it out.

I'm Still Here...

Greetings my blog friends. I'm still here, still struggling along. Not much has changed since my last post. I am taking a couple classes in herbalism. Fear set in, that I couldn't do it, and so I've been slacking. I hate to fail, and I hate being around people that like to use my failures against me and rub them in my face until I'm raw.

I'm still trying to write, I'm struggling with it. I look at the page and it takes all the energy I have to write just a few lines. And they aren't even good lines. I see the character(s), I have a vague idea of what I want to do with them, I just can't seem to make it happen. When I try to write, I feel like I'm writing a "Dick and Jane" version. Another thing is I feel like I have nothing original and new. And I don't know how to 'recycle' ideas that may have already been done to make them my own.

For example, I have a character named Declan. I see him as this Irish/Scottish guy, possible the head of the clan. But I love the "Highlander"...you know the one, Duncan McCloud (hunky hot sexy Andrian Paul...YUMMO!) Er...um...uh....so anyway....*blush* My Declan doesn't look like Duncan or anything, nor does he act like him per se, but I kinda would like him to be an immortal like Duncan. But not in the whole "there can be only one" sense.

I'm always so afraid of the whole you can't use that because it's been done before blah blah blah. Like another thing...I like the idea of the palantir or a Pensieve. But 1) I don't know if I can use the word and 2) I don't know if I'm allowed to use the concept. UGH! Should I just write my story with the concepts I want to use and alter them later if need be? I just don't know...

Student, Seeker, Searching for Me

So I have ordered and received my lessons from NAIMH. And I am working on the first lesson. Part of the assignment is to listen to 2 lectures and write a 1-2 page paper on them. I've been hesitant lol, I've not had to write a paper in about 20 years since I was a student at LaGuardia Community College. I'm nervous and scared about writing it. What if I can't write about how I could apply vitalism to my life? I also have to make 3 tinctures, which I'm honestly scared to make. I mean what if I add too much alcohol? Then what?

At the same time, I've been thinking alot about my path or lack thereof. In some ways I'm think I'm pagan, but then I think I'm Wiccan or a witch, then other times I am drawn to the Druid path. I feel so lost and confused sometimes...no all the time. I mean can one be a pagan and a druid, or a pagan and Wiccan? And then with Wicca there are so many paths, I don't know which if any are right for me. But I want a direction, I need a direction. I feel like sometimes I am wandering in the dark blindly. I feel like a liar if I say I'm a pagan or Wiccan because I don't feel like I have a true path to walk towards.

And then we come to who am I? For so long in my life, I have lived to be what someone else thought I should be and thought how they felt I should think, that I don't know how I am anymore. I was for lack of a better word forbidden to have my own beliefs or opinions. If they didn't fit into this person's view of how things are to be, I was heavily discouraged from following my heart and mind. It still holds true even now as I still have to live under this person's roof. If I express myself over concerns about the environment or the foods we eat, I'm being silly and overreacting. I'm being too extreme if I say I want my girls to eat a more organic diet and foods free of GMOs. It doesn't matter what it is that might strike a cord in me, if it doesn't suit "HIM" then I'm discouraged from taking an interest in it. Basically if it doesn't fit into his world it's not allowed.

Sure he may indulge for a short time if he thinks it's just a passing phase. But if it exceeds his "time frame" of how long I should be interested or if in his mind it takes away from attention on him, it becomes unnecessary and he calls it an obsession. He did this when I was involved with scrap booking and had a home based business, he did this when I was an avid reader, even when I was involved with my daughters in Girl Scouts.

Okay, that part really should be for another post. But suffice it to say, I have lost my identity. I don't know how I am, or what I'm supposed to be "when I grow up". I want to find myself again, I want to be free.