A little background

For those that read here, I suppose a little background might be helpful especially if you haven't or don't read my other blog.

I've been married to a man for 20 years and we have 2 children together. Looking back now, I realize I was a mere child when we met and got married. I was 18 when we met, 19 when we married (two months before my 20th birthday). He was 36 when we married. He'd lived his life, traveled, worked, tried college, etc. Me...I was only dipping my toes in the water. I had only just started college, wasn't even sure what I wanted to study really.

At first he was sweet, caring, and charming. He was so, all through the dating. I come from an alcoholic home, and was living with a highly co-dependent mother. I just broken off an engagement a couple of months before I met him. We dated for all of 9 months before we got married. He pushed for it, was even insistent that I move in with him. I didn't, I wouldn't move in with him, but I relented on the getting married. I thought it was right at the time...he was very convincing and I was very naive and impressionable.

It wasn't long after we were married that he started to go back on all the promises he made before the "I dos". He would get angry if I didn't know how to do something. One night he wanted rice with dinner. All I knew how to make was Minute Rice. He got pissed because it wasn't "real rice" and how the hell did I not know how to make rice when it was so easy. I didn't know how to operate a washing machine that didn't take quarters another thing that pissed him off. And slowly over the years, the list grew.

Over the years he put me down, nothing I could ever do was good enough. Discouraged me from doing things I wanted to do after feigning support. Eventually alienated me from my family and any friends I had...to the point that the only people I knew were his friends and only family was his family. As we had the kids, he threatened that if I ever tried to leave, he would have me arrested for kidnapping and have me declared unfit and that I'd never see them again.

We recently had to file bankruptcy, and due to some collections against me, the lawyers advised taking me off until the bankruptcy was final. Well that happened months ago, and he's never put me back on the account so now he controls all the finances.

If I make a friend, he wants to know them and talk to them. He wants to know what we talk about. If I made a little money babysitting, he wants to know how much. He says any friends I have or make have to be his friends too. I'm not allowed to have a best friend he says, the only best friend I'm allowed to have is him.

I've known things were not right for a long time. I kept hoping things would get better. My grandma came to live with us and I thought that would change things. In the five years she was with us, he managed to manipulate her in to buying big ticket items he wanted (like the living room set we have). When she passed away 3 and 1/2 years ago, my world shattered. My rock was gone. A few months after is when I realized things with him weren't going to get better.

Eventually I stopped sleeping in the same room with him. We've not been together in almost 3 years. But I have to live in the same house. And now the same esteem tearing things he says to me, he's starting to inflict on the girls. One can only hear they are worthless, useless, stupid, lazy, etc for so long before they start to believe it.

A couple of years ago, I met someone. We live in separate states (2200 miles apart). We want to be together. He's saving to move, and I don't have the money to leave. All the while I have that voice in my head that he'll take the kids from me. And even when he does move closer, I don't know if I'll have the strength or the courage to leave. The man I'm married to hasn't ever gotten physically violent outside of slamming doors and banging or breaking things. But I just don't know anymore if it will stay that way. Leaving is hard when you've been with some one this long and there are kids involved.

And that my friends is the short version.

When the Darkness Tries to Consume You

What do you do when that happens? By darkness I mean the fear, in it's all consuming devouring ways. It swallows up and blocks out all the light and good. The fear has pushed me so far into it's depths I don't see a way out. I try to, but I can't see it.

I'm so afraid to leave him, but I'm afraid to stay too. He's civil now for the most part, and he's never gotten physical outside of slamming doors and banging things or breaking dishes. I have no where to go, and no money to do so. I have no friends or family I can turn to. If I left now, and tried to go to a shelter, I wouldn't get anything I leave behind back. I'm not willing to risk losing what's mine. I've done that once, lost everything...I can't go through that again.

I just sometimes wonder how long he can stay non-violent. We've been separated (sleeping in separate rooms) for about 3 years now. I just don't know how long he's going to stay that way. Often times I wonder if I make it all up in my head. I've been in a physically abusive relationship, you can see it, you can feel it. But when it's psychological/emotional abuse...it's a whole different ballgame.

Besides my girls, I have one good thing in my life right now. And yesterday I almost blew it. I've been shutting my good thing out and pushing him away, I almost lost him. He lives so far away, and the distance is taking its toll on me. Between the distance and having to live with Mr Dastardly upstairs, it's getting to be too much and it's so hard. But to lose my good thing would have been the worse thing possible, worse than if I lost everything I own.

But none of that answers the question of how do I get through the darkness and the fear? How do I not let it consume me?

Just some thoughts

I want to take a minute to thank all of you for your comments and thoughts, they mean a lot to me. Many days I feel so very alone that, no one understands or cares, after all I'm just some stranger posting in a blog. But so many of you have left kind heartfelt comments, it's on those days when after I've posted and read your replies that I don't feel so alone.

This blog only has a taste of what things are like living with this man, if you haven't read or if you care to know more about my situation you can find that on my main blog "The Forgotten Muse". It's here that I usually pour my heart out or rant depending on the situation.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on how I can make the money I need to pay for the divorce and help sustain me during and after the process. Working outside the home isn't an option for me at this time. So I've been trying to come up with ideas on how I can make the money. My friend suggested E-bay. But I don't have anything I can sell and I don't really have much to spare to invest in stuff to turn around and resell. I have some left over stock from when I was a scrapbook consultant. I will probably never use all that I have so I could sell some of that or try to. Much of what I do have are discontinued items and some times they can be highly sought after.

I can do simple crocheting like making scarves and possible shawls. I'd love to find some simple Tarot bag patterns and maybe make some of those and maybe shawls to sell on Etsy. I'm no where near proficient enough to make herbal blends or tinctures. And I don't have a wide variety of herbs growing yet either. Just some lavender, thyme, sage, lemon balm and catnip. There's got to be SOMETHING I can do....but what that is, I've got no freaking idea.

If only I could hit the lotto

I'd actually have to play the lotto to try to win the lotto, and I'm not really one to place my bets on something like that.

Actually I'd be happier if I could just find a way to make some money. I feel so helpless. I'm unemployed and there are no prospects around here that I haven't tried numerous times. And even if I did find something locally, I don't drive so that's an issue in and of itself I guess.

I need to find a way to come up with enough money to hire the lawyer (since it would be an alimony case...even tho I want nothing from him...she said it would run me about $4000). I need to find a way to come up with that, and then some so I can continue taking various courses in herbalism so that eventually I can have my own business.

I am not asking for much, I just want enough to get out of this mess and start my life over with my kids.

He's got me in a place where I'm totally dependent on him for everything financially. He's in denial that our marriage is over. He said he doesn't want a divorce and that I can't leave...at least until the youngest turns 18. I can't do that. I can't live like this until then. I think he thinks it will break me or I'll see things differently and that I'd want to stay. He doesn't understand that I don't love him, nor am I sure anymore that I actually ever did at least not in the way a married couple should. He's even threatened to have me arrested if I ever left with the kids and that he'd have me declared unfit even though he has no grounds for such a declaration.

At this point, I'm not sure how I'll manage to make money, but I'm thinking hard about it. The lawyer told me to stop looking at how I'm stuck, and start looking at how will I get out. So that's what I'm doing.